Monday, April 21, 2008

Say It Ain't So!

Today, I got the call. Let me tell you, my productivity is now shot since I’m filled with the existential dread that in Europe a vasectomy was the same as a castration. Don’t laugh; judging from the men here, it’s possible.

The date is set for tomorrow at 3. My balls already hurt.

Is it too late to become a priest?

3 comments:

Real Debate said...

Man-up...

Wait, maybe not.

I hear bags of frozen peas help.

Silent E said...

Yes....Peas. and pills of course............Many pills......

Anonymous said...

Snippity snip-snip!

Advice: If you feel shaky, drink beer. Just not so much you get clumsy and have some ball-endangering accident.

Take two Tylenol or ibuprofen (not Aspirin or other blood-thinners!) directly after the procedure, or as directed by your doctor. A little preventative analgesic to dull the ache when the shots wear off. Your doctor may give you something stronger, and that's up to you but probably not necessary. Some people don't tolerate codeine very well, which can just add to the unpleasantness.

Frozen peas are not a bad idea, but don't get carried away with them. Especially when you are still anesthetized, the danger of freezing your own balls off is a lot more concerning than possibly getting a little swelling. Have at least a thin cloth between the peas and your sack, and take breaks from icing. I iced very little, and only during the first day afterwards.

TAKE IT EASY. For a good two days. Chances are you'll feel fine. The worst thing you can do is go for a jog or go running around a lot in the day after the procedure. You could mess yourself up. So, make sure you wear tighty-whiteys for at least a week or 10 days after the procedure even if you normally don't, avoid highly jostly activities like biking or running for a good three weeks or so after the procedure, and avoid any exercise for 2-3 days. Gentle sex or wanking, on the other hand, is fine as soon as you feel up to it. Which could be as early as day 2. If you have a sedentary job, you can go back in the next day.

If you follow the above, chances are you will be wondering what the big deal is.

And the #1 rule, USE BACKUP until you shoot two blanks, one month apart! Almost all post-vasectomy babies are due to breaking this rule (or they actually belong to the milkman).