Tuesday, May 6, 2008

The Curse of the Simpsons

It’s time to acknowledge that the Simpsons isn’t just a funny cartoon about some yellow doofuses. It is, in fact, responsible for tearing apart the fabric of our national pastime.

Just check out the lineup of the famous “Homer at the Bat” episode, where Mr. Burns hired a group of professional ringers to win his company softball tournament:

Ken Griffey
Paralyzed with injury, the man thought in the early 90’s to be the one most likely to break the home run record saw his body gradually decline until he’s become just a shadow of his former self. This paved the way for the rise of Barry Bonds, who is either a sensitive man poorly treated by the media or a steroid-swilling misanthrope who deserves to be imprisoned for his churlishness, depending on your point of view.

Steve Sax
I don’t know what happened to this guy, but I’ll bet it was bad.

Ozzie Smith
Shortly after this episode Ozzie was replaced and left baseball a bitter, angry man. I heard he joined the NRA and became a minister and now gives crazy sermons about how the government infects computer keyboards with scabies, but I could be misremembering that.

Darryl Strawberry
If there’s a modern-day Oedipus, it’s Strawberry. No, not in an incestuous way. In the sense that he had so much, but was so troubled by personal demons and health problems that it’s all just kind of slipped away.

Jose Canseco
If you ever see Bud Selig on the beach, just yell “Cansco!” and he’ll bury his head in the sand so fast the tide will go out.

Mike Scioscia
Okay, it’s true that he managed the California Angels of the Western United States to a World Series title, but what has he done lately? Nothing.

Wade Boggs
During his appearance Wade Boggs was viciously attacked by a drunk, who gave him a concussion which ultimately forced him to retire from baseball.

Don Mattingly
Did you know that an anagram of “Don Mattingly” is Tiny Malt Dong? Only Mrs. Mattingly could tell us if that was true. Given the rancorousness of their divorce, it may just be.

Roger Clemens
Despite some steroid allegations, he appears to be the only one with any chance to escape the curse. Unless those lurid allegations turn out to be true, in which case he's pretty much screwed. Which is what Boston wanted all along, anyways, so it's all good.

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