Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Bestiality Proponents Disappointed

Left unspoken in the wave of jubilation following the California Supreme Court’s dismissal of a law opposing same-sex marriage is the continuing prejudice in this country against interspecies marriage. While many Hollywood stars have rushed to the altar, they have left some of their comrades behind, forgetting that civil liberties aren’t just for the ones who can afford them, but are for everybody.

Here are some of those “forgotten faces” that people like Ellen DeGeneres and Lieutenant Sulu don’t want to think about as they rush to tie the knot and, soon thereafter, get the first homosexual divorces:

Gonzo and the chicken
With a relationship that stretches almost thirty years, these two have longevity that Tom Cruise’s latest beard could only dream of. Yet their love must always remain unspoken, lest Beastophobes rear their ugly heads and begin throwing slurs at them. “People just don’t understand, not even your friends.” Gonzo said in a recent interview. “Animal once broke a bottle over my head and I had to get forty stitches just because I said feather pillows get me hot.”

Peter Griffin and Brian
Though show writers are loathe to admit it, the homobeastoerotic overtone of “Family Guy” has long been a hot topic on the Internet. There’s even a web site, “,” with a petition hoping to force writers to out the worst-kept secret in television out. So far it has collected at least twenty signatures, as well as receiving over a hundred injunctions from FOX for publishing fan art of “a prurient and frankly disgusting nature” which imagines of the fateful act.

Jim Carrey
Fans have known of Carrey’s excessive love of animals since Ace Ventura. What they might not know is that since 2002 he has been locked in a bitter probate battle with the State of New York over the estate of his longtime partner, the Taco Bell Dog. Because of archaic “Turquoise Laws” preventing interspecies marriage, though, he has not yet been able to get ahold of Taco’s vast estate and use it to produce a full-length movie based on Dr. Seuss’s book On Beyond Zebra. Carrey said it was Taco’s dream, and that they worked on the script “every day of the twelve beautiful years we spent together.”

Snoopy and Lucy
Deceased Peanuts writer Charles Schultz long empathized with the plight of beastosexuals, which is why he laced Peanuts with the sexual heat between Snoopy and Lucy as a way to begin to prepare Americans for the day when, finally, men and women could openly express their love for other species and be accepted by everyone “even in the public square.”

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