Monday, May 26, 2008

Hillary Warns of Second Sumter

Democratic Presidential aspirant Hillary Clinton surprised reporters today when she cited Fort Sumter as one of a long list of historical reasons for her to continue her campaign against Barack Obama, who CNN has called ‘the most exciting politician in the history of the world.’

“A lot of people want me to drop out of the race,” Hillary told supporters at a campaign appearance. “A lot of ignorant people. They’re forgetting history and forgetting all about the attack on Fort Sumter, which was a direct response to the last racially divisive president that this country elected.”

Hillary went on to say that “since I have won many of the primaries of the states involved in the Civil War, I think I can speak with some authority on those residents. And should I not be the nominee, it is fully possible that we could see four or five years of divisive internecine war followed by the assassination of the sitting president. I mean, I hope it doesn’t happen, but you have to know that it might.”

Reacting to the news, Keith Olbermann shrieked in inchoate rage for five minutes, after which his head exploded like the professor in Scanners. The video has gone viral and been downloaded over six hundred million times. However, CNBC has announced that his show will be put on hiatus while they search for the proper replacement, and are aggressively pursuing angry loners and inebriated winos.

Barack Obama called the incident “a distraction” and said that “I hope we can move beyond this to begin to focus on change.”

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