Clinton Tries Desperately to Close “Gaffe Gap”

In a desperate move to bolster her faltering campaign, Democratic Senator Hillary Clinton today launched a verbal offensive designed to close the “gaffe gap” that has recently opened up between her and putative nominee Barack Obama.

Clinton decided on the strategy after reviewing her faltering performance over the past several months. “Look at the evidence,” said one source close to the Clinton campaign. “She says she saw a sniper gun down Sinbad in Tuzla, then wins Pennsylvania. He says there are 57 states and wins Oregon. But now, as we approach the critical June 4 primaries, he’s piling it on thick: grandpa freed Auschwitz, then the meet-with-Mullah-but-not-the-generals thing, John Kerry as secretary of State; I mean, where does this put him? Looking like a moron and on the inside path to the nomination.”

Analysts at Politico.com said that the move would have uncertain payoffs. “What’s she gonna do, defend Hitler? Legitimize domestic terrorism? Endorse protectionism while the economy goes in the tank? There’s not a lot of gaffes left out there for her to make her own. The bottom line is, for clumsy politicking Obama has an almost insurmountable lead.”

Clinton has tried desperately to invoke past Democratic candidate gaffes, however. She recently drove a tank into a press conference howling in fury, then shouted at reporters “memories of attacking Cambodia on Christmas Eve are seared into my memory, and I dare you to try to find any proof of me fooling around!”