Monday, May 19, 2008

Dems to GOP: Stop Bogarting that Wedge Issue!

Senator Dianne Feinstein (D-CA) fired a shot across the bow of putative GOP presidential candidate John McCain today with a 5-year amnesty for almost one and a half million illegal agricultural workers. She said it was necessary to make sure that “the political poison that is amnesty isn’t drunk only by Republicans, but in equal measure by foolish Democrats as well.”

Feinstein told cheering Hispanic supporters that “Poll after poll is clear: 85% of Americans do not want amnesty. Can we stand by and let Republicans, led by John McCain, offend a plurality of the electorate all by themselves? We cannot! In the past we have had great success shredding our electability on guns. Now, we want a piece of the amnesty disaster as well!”

“It’s a gamble,” said political strategist Gloria Prudhomme. “But she may be thinking that once all the Hispanics are legalized, the Democrats can count on their support at the polls, meaning only 80% of the electorate will be pissed off. But I really don’t see cobbling together a mandate out of that.”

Senate leader Harry Reid acted quickly to respond to the growing crisis. “I want everyone to remember that I’m fundamentally incompetent, so I can’t be held responsible for the actions of other members of the senate. I’m only an elected official, and not a very good one, at that.”

On the campaign train, John McCain responded with unbridled warlust and glee at the news. “I understand that my two great passions, continuing the war in Iraq for a hundred years and giving amnesty to every illegal in the US, have been combined in one bill. I look forward to voting for it as quickly as possible.”

Barack Obama said that “when senator Feinstein said foolish Democrats, she was clearly referring to me, just like when someone says appeaser, inexperienced, gaffe-prone, or erectile dysfunction they’re referring to me as well. I find it offensive and not just a little bit racist, quite frankly. My positions are much more nuanced than that. Especially on ED.”

Senator Hillary Clinton, speaking from a campaign appearance, promised that she would “take pandering to all-time new heights” if Hispanics would continue to support her.

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