Phrenologists Deride Graphologists

A group of prominent phrenologists has denounced the recent spate of articles by graphologists as “nothing more than reporters’ impressions wrapped in quackery.” The true key to presidential insights, they say, lies in the bumps on their heads, not in the orientation of their signatures.

“Phrenology and the United States were founded at almost the same time, which is why for over two hundred years Americans have waited for us to divine the inner minds of the candidates,” said Wilton Geerson, head of the American Phrenology Institute. “And I’m pleased to announce that our international panel of experts has done just that.”

Geerson said that while Obama has exceptionally well-developed brain areas for circumspection, affection, and kindness, voters should be very careful of his overdeveloped mental organs for pride and vanity.

“We have to ask whether Obama is trying to be president because he thinks he’s owed it, or whether he wants to use it to help people,” said Franz Bouts, one of Europe’s leading Phrenologists. “While the shape of his head is certainly very encouraging, much better than the swollen religiosity and underdeveloped intelligence that characterizes the current president, we have to take the area for vanity seriously. But by cross-referencing our files on other famous figures, like Mahatma Gandhi and Mother Teresa, we see that such developments are normal for public figures.”

The API’s Neena Wilders sounded an alarm on candidate John McCain, though, saying that “analysis of his head reveals that his cranium would be better suited on an out-of-control, warmongering, murderous bear in the midst of a downtown rampage. The brain organs devoted to murder, stealing, and revenge are all excessively developed. Even correcting for injuries sustained in a POW camp, this is distressing news, and more fitting of the chronically misanthropic such as Ted Bundy or Coco Chanel.”

But Geerson said that the long Democratic primary was written quite clearly on the candidate’s heads. “Hillary Clinton has a more obstinate zone than 99% of the population, meaning she’ll hang in the race until she’s dragged out. And given both her and her husband’s overdeveloped senses of vengeance, based on cranial Area 22, it’s clear why they stay together: to get back at their shared enemies.”

He also added that one other would-be candidate had a very distinctive skull. “Ron Paul, as well as his supporters, have what in Phrenology we call the ‘pinhead’ skull: diminished areas of intelligence and reason, but increased susceptibility to influence by outside forces. They’d make good graphologists, quite frankly.”