California Warns on Nether Piercings

The California Department of Health has issued a public-health warning today after a Chinese-imported vaginal ring injured twelve people, three of them seriously, at a swinger’s party in San Francisco. While most of the victims were being treated for metal poisoning, one man was in intensive care with a severely lacerated penis.

Paramedics said that “when we arrived on scene at the ‘Relive the Sixties’ party to respond to the call, nothing had prepared us for such horror. Aging, free-love hippies lay naked everywhere. The smell of unwashed flesh hung in the air like rotting fruit, and thousands of hungry flies alighted on the supine forms. Some of them had gruesome injuries, too.”

Officials say the rings, which were manufactured by the Joy-Joy Happy Fun Company in Xichuan, were coated with gold paint that flakes off when exposed to saline solutions, such as urine. This exposes the inner metal core, an alloy of lead, mercury, and thallium, which then becomes brittle when exposed to moisture.

At the party, during a particularly frenzied copulation the ring woman’s ring fractured, leaving multiple gashes down one man’s penis. An unnamed witness described the wounded appendage as “looking like a frayed rope when he finally got it out of there.”

Authorities have issued a warning that any women who received vaginal piercings over the past month from Kris’s Klassy Piercings may have received one of the tainted rings and should immediately remove it from use.

A spokesman for the CDH said that “We’re trying to get the message to women to take these rings out before they severely traumatize their loved ones. Even more frightening is the possibility that a fracture might occur while a woman is using a personal pleasure device, which represents an electrocution and fire hazard.

"We need to get this message out to the places where woman who get vaginal piercings congregate: strip clubs, raves, and organic grocery stores.”