Ohio has declared a state of emergency today after a woman dead for seventeen hours revived and was suddenly alert and talking again. Authorities are calling it “the forefront of a coming zombie apocalypse” and said that they have not ruled out nuclear strikes on major urban centers in hopes of stemming what may become a tide of shambling corpses reminiscent of Dawn of the Dead.
While immediate reports were conflicted about whether the zombie had feasted upon the brains of the living or merely upon hospital gelatin, one thing is clear: a strange cult has sprung up around the zombie woman, with people saying it’s a sign of a higher power and that a “miracle” had occurred.
Divisive Fearmonger Jeremiah Wright quickly issued a statement, saying that “this is a sign that God has damned America to be devoured by angry zombies unless they vote for Barack Obama. And all sixty-two states deserve to be damned for their behavior the past six hundred years!”
Not to be outdone, John McCain’s pastor, bosom buddy, and lifelong pal John Hagee said “this plague of zombies is a clear response from God to California legalizing gay marriage, and for George Bush being chummy with the devil’s papal spokesman. I hope that they gorge themselves upon the flesh of the unworthy sinners that populate this nation until they pass my incredibly repressive agenda.”
Meanwhile, local officials were pleading for calm, and reminding people that “to stop a zombie rampage, aim for the head, because that’s their weak point.”