Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Celebrity Hot or Not

So "American Idol" has been all the rage on TV for several years now. Never one to jump on a trend when it was fresh and new, the Daily Dollop has decided to pump out its own version. And to help bring in the coveted male 13-30 audience it'll be combined it with another phenomenon, the "Hot or Not" craze that pretty well burned itself out by 2005.

My brother claims to have cracked the code for American Idol’s success: it’s all about the judges. Nobody cares about the contestants, they tune in because they either love or hate the Idol panel. He claims that in order to bring in viewers you’ve got to have:

  • The Mean Guy

  • The Washed Up Star Strung Out on Drugs who says bizarre things

  • The Black Guy

He then promised to get me top-notch celebrities. That was before he got invited to the latest Girls Gone Wild video shoot by an old college roomie who owns the bar where they’re filming and shafted me with this somewhat less-than-inspiring collection of judges. I guess they fit the bill:

Skeletor: Nemesis of He-Man, Grayskull's would-be conqueror, and all around jerk. You wouldn’t believe the mouth on this guy! Whenever you read the word "flower" please mentally substitute the f-word. Skeletor's comments will be in blue.

Gizmo: Did you know that the adorable star of the hit 80s movie "Gremlins" hit rough times after the critical failure of "Gremlins 2"? He just got out of prison after being convicted on drug possession, racketeering, and felony indecent exposure charges. Gizmo's comments will be in purple.

Fat Albert: When this counts as the normal guy on your panel, you know that you have serious problems. What, Gary Coleman wasn’t available? We'll mark Mr. Albert's comments in red.

We'll just do this in round table discussion format. I'll throw out a picture of a chick and a few details, then we'll just let the judges run wild. And so without further ado here's our first girl:

Chloe Marshall: Contestent in Miss England 2008 competition, noteworthy as the first size 16 girl to make the finals.

What the flower? This is a flowering joke, right? Are we judging people or whales here? By the power of Grayskull, someone get a liposuction technician! Did England get hit with the Black Death again or something? There’s no other explanation of how this human blob could win a beauty competition. Not.

I've got three words for her: nice rack, baby. My face is melting here, that's how hot this chick is. I would hit that so hard her grandma in York would feel it. Hot.

Dawg, I would be all up in that. Baby got back, and I ain't talkin' 'bout no baby back ribs. Oh man, I could go for some ribs right now. I'm so hongry I could eat a bucket of KFC so fast the grease wouldn't stick to my fingers. Hot, baby, so you goin' to Hollywood!

We're not giving away trips, flower face. We're just rating whether or not these chicks are worth flowering. And for the record you two are flowering sick for even thinking of getting it on with this sack of lard.


Queen Latifah: Rapper, singer, actress, Jill of all trades, mistress of none. Her greatest regret is never being dissed by a presidential candidate.

Hey, hey, hey! Now that's what I'm talkin' about, dawg! Hot like Indian food! Hot like a stove! Hot like an SUV in my hood! This is what this contest is all about, dawg! Hot, hot, hot!

Are you a flowering idiot, Fatty? This chunk of blubber is even worse than the last one. You know what I liked about the show "Living Single"? When it got cancelled. Not!

Clean up on aisle in my pants. I'd hit that up, down, sideways, and in the negative zone. Pour some brown sugar on me, baby, cuz I'm hungry like the wolf. Hot!

Yo dawg, what's up wit' the attitude? Weren't you the good gremlin?

Yeah, and Rock Hudson was straight in all his movies. It's called acting, fat boy. No wonder you got cancelled.


Paris Hilton: Socialite, frequently photographed celebrity and occasional guest of the penal system.

Just look at that little bitch! Those eyes, that tail, those big ears, and oh that fur! Hot!

We're rating the woman, not the dog, you flowering retard.

If she wants to have a three way with me and the Chihuahua that's fine, but I have got to get a little doggy style with that pooch. But I'd hit the owner too, like Barry Bonds in slow pitch softball after a three day HGH blitz.

I'd actually rather flower the dog than the endless line of cows I'm being presented with. By Teela’s tits, you can barely see her clavicle through all that fat! Not.

I ain't wantin' to be no hater, but to Paris I gots to say see you later. Add some pounds to that tiny butt, if wit' me you want to rut. Not.

What are you, a flowering rapper? You get all gangster after Cosby left you high and dry? Let me tell you this, tubby, Mer-Man’s more gangster than you, and I once caught him listening to broadway show tunes with Orko. And what the flower are you doing using the word "rut"? You born on a flowering farm?


Pamela Anderson: Frequently naked actress, full of more salt water than the dead sea, and Hepatitis C victim.

I'd hit that.

Now there's a flowering surprise. Is there anything on this earth, woman or beast, you wouldn't flower? How about I just take a firehouse to you, flower face, and let's see if you can cool off any!


You pull that on me, dawg, I'll get out my gat and put one in yo' ass.

I don't have an ass, mother flowerer. I'm skeleton all the way down. Even my boner is solid bone, not that I've had one yet from looking at this collection of swollen hags. You'd think maybe having Hep C would take a little weight off this chick, but apparently she hasn't had to curtail her visits to the all you can eat buffet. Not.

I hates to agree wit' you, dawg, but check this out: you dip your chip in that you might come back with some special sauce, know what I'm sayin'? Not.

Amy Winehouse: Singer, future VH-1 "The Tragic Life Of..." subject

Yesssss, now we're getting somewhere! Still a bit plump for my tastes, but a few more months on the crack pipe should do her nicely. I like to see every vertebrae in my lover's back when they're sprawled naked in my chambers. Hot!

You mean like Prince Adam, you bone-armed homo?

How did you...I mean, what the flower is wrong with you, grem-tard?

Never get a gremlin wet, you noseless fairy. As far as this crack whore goes I say hells yeah! Bang it, break it, then give her a five spot and tell her to get the hell out of your car! Me and Hugh Grant used to do that all the time back in the day. Nothing hotter than a junkie who needs a fix! Hot!

Yo, dawg, that is some nasty-ass skin you got there. You need some lotion or something? You both be crazy, this chick ain’t got enough meat on her to fill out a real woman’s leg. Not.


A Mummy: Name unknown, dug up in Egypt in 1973, probably dates to around 1100 BC.

Now I'm getting that funny feeling in my pants! Helloooo, nurse! Reminds me of Mum-ra's sister. Grayskull I wanted to flower that chick. Stupid dyke was more interested in Evil-Lynn, though. But anyway, I say hot.

LeBron James, she dead! What are you, boney, some kinda super freak wantin' to get all up in a mummy? You ain't a playa, you a pervert!

Well I'm flowering sorry I don't like my women to be so flowering fat they can't go to the beach because flowering Greenpeace keeps pushing them back in the flowering ocean. You don't like it, you can flower it, you fat flower, but I'm not going to flowering apologize for having good taste in chicks.

You know what I like about dead chicks? They don't say no to anything, no matter how kinky it is! So let's get out the coonskin cap and the cheese grater, dead girl! Hot!

You've said hot every time, you stupid flower! You're flowering useless on this panel. It'd be like judging a pie contest with fatty's mother.

Aw, hells no, you din't just talk about my mama! You dead, dawg, you dead!

I've got a skull for a face, flowerer. What makes you think I'm flowering alive? Flower you and your big fat mother, you flowering gangster rap wanna be!


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