Monday, December 10, 2007

The Touch of Saban

Abandon all hope, ye who hire Nick Saban! Evidence of his corrupting touch is heavy upon the land of football now. Hasten not to clutch this serpent to your breast, football fans, lest his curse befall ye as well!

Hearken ye to the tale of misfortune which attendeth his passing:

Though Saban wrought a commendable 9-2 record while at Toledo and a stunning share of the Mid-American Conference title in 1990, he departed after one sole season as is his capricious nature. Success sitteth not well upon this proud man’s shoulders. The season after him they fell to 5-5-1, only the first of his victims.

Michigan State:
After three largely fruitless seasons, this spawn of Saban managed to achieve a stunning upset victory of #1 ranked Ohio State. Thus he found himself accorded new opportunities to wreak havoc upon the world of football (hough that season, too, ended in mediocrity). Finally Saban caught the luck which all vile creatures yearn for and went 9-2. He then abandoned his charges just before their bowl game to coach LSU, much like a rat paddles towards shore as the boat doth sink. The next season the Spartans fell to 5-6, another victim of his loathsome touch.


It is only here that the vile poison of Saban has not drowned those who drunk of it. For though Saban had much success here, then departed for his dream of coaching in the NFL, the Tigers did not fall into disrepute. Perhaps this is due to the awesome skill of Les Miles, or perhaps it is some sort of karmic compensation for the residents of Louisiana enduring a terrible hurricane. Either way, LSU has continued its success, in spite of Nick Saban’s best efforts. Thou may’st be sure it is not because of them!

Miami Dolphins:
Ye faint of heart, regard not what the beast Saban hath wrought here! What vile things have the people of Miami done to deserve such managerial incompetence from Saban, such sabotagery of their hopes and dreams, such desecration of their once-vaunted football legacy? In addition to coaching them to futility, Saban truly destroyed two years’ worth of drafts, utterly gutted their fan base, and laid the foundation for the most abhorrent football season of all time: the potentially 0-16 2007 Miami Dolphins. Egads! At the same time that another team in their division may erase Miami’s sole claim to a perfect season? Such tragedy even Shakespeare would have hesitated to pen.


Mediocrity, thy name is Tide. Somewhere Bear Bryant weeps to see what has become of his much-beloved team. Fans of the Crimson Elephant, I urge you: robe yourselves in sackcloth and ashes, tear your garments, and pray that you will soon be delivered from this Plague of Saban. For he shall guide you to 6-win seasons until his one great stroke of luck, such as known by the golfer not struck dead by lightning. Then he shall abandon ye for another job, because he knoweth no loyalty beyond the dollar, and your nightmare will have just begun.

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