THREE POINTS, Arizona: Budding black-hearted capitalists Richard and Monica Chapin have built a 5-story, 45-ton moonbeam collector in the desert out here, which scientists say will act as "the most powerful hippie magnet on Earth."
The collector was designed to focus moonbeams, long suspected of holding the hidden power of reflected light, into a small area, presumably amplifying their negligible effect. Hippies who have used the system feelings from swimming to being in a breeze to just gently feeling better, much like random users of marijuana but without the paranoia or the munchies. Thus far there have been no reported naked protests, but authorities expect one at any time.
Dr. John Boshman said "Previously we've only seen hippie attraction at this level during the early Burning Man festivals, before all the posers started coming and bottled water cost five bucks. I took a few readings at the site, and the hippie-meter went crazy. It's like the original Woodstock all over again."
Local entrepreneurs were already gearing up to take advantage of the well-known spending habits of hippies. Shop owner Penelope Prudence had set up a sign that said "We're Hip to Hippies!" and said she'd radically changed the inventory of her bait shop.
"I've gotten rid of all the deodorant and toothbrushes to make space for shiny objects, hemp underwear, and armpit hair curlers. Although it's good for business, I am going to have to convert to an outdoor stall to help control the funkiness quotient inside during the summer."
Some scientists were concerned about the long-term affect of exposure to moonlight. "We've known for some time about the damages of excess exposure to moonlight," said Dr. Stephanie Kimball. "They might as well build a giant microscope and burn people to cinders like you did when you were a kid."