Carbon Righteousness

Besides the boom in business for private airstrips, luxury hotels, and discount brothels, one of the best tools to come out of the Bali Conference on Global Warming has got to be this little nugget from the breakout session called "Defining 21st Century Righteousness." So without further ado, I present to you the:

All-Purpose Carbon Righteousness Scale

The following lifestyles are rated from 0 (Earth Murderer) to 100 (Eco-Saint). Simply find which case most closely matches your own, and you will know the degree of carbon righteousness which you possess. In order to improve your righteousness, all you have to do is make some small lifestyle adjustments.

0) Divorced living separately with college-aged children, all have cars, both parents working, all members enjoy hot showers

10) Married living together with children of any age

20) Divorced, but now living with new paramours, never had any children

30) Married living together without children and with no plans to have children, preferably sterilized

31) Anybody who has ever had children can't be higher than 31 because they're killing the planet slowly by spreading their seed

40) Recycle everything from bottles to used condoms, never eat GM food, use public transportation no more than twice a week (otherwise foot-power), work for a socially responsible corporation, does not have indoor plumbing

50) Group love-fest with no commitments, freaky sexual exploration, and Planned Parenthood on speed-dial

60) Actor, director, or politician who risks being ostracized by taking the dangerous stance that "we've got to wake up and do something about climate change", regardless of actual personal behavior or comportment

70) Humorless natural-fabric wearing scold who eats locally grown food from a co-op and takes only cold showers every other month

80) Local co-op grower who adopts orphans, raises them not to reproduce, drives a bio-diesel car, pocket mulches, and chains himself naked to something every other month in order to keep the military/industrial complex from destroying the planet

85) The Chinese get to be here automatically because they're still keeping the communist dream alive

90) Should-be president touring world speaking out against climate change via private jet maintaining several palatial mansions

100) Unwashed sterilized lesbian vegan commune living in a cave