Monday, December 3, 2007

IPGM Summit Begins Today

Over two thousand delegates attended the opening of the ‘Destroy All Monsters’ summit today. Hosted by the IPGM, the gathering has been criticized for the last few weeks by GMA denialists as being an example of excessive hysteria among anti-GMA groups. Security was tight at the convention, and organizers said that everything went smoothly with very few problems.

The summit is being held at the controversial Abandoned Monster Nest Resort in the South Pacific, a modern luxury hotel constructed in 2001 that came under intense criticism at the time from anti-GMA groups for a perception that it provoked potential monsters in the GMA active area known as the Rim of Fiery Monsters.

“To hold this summit in this place is just inconceivable,” frequent IPGM critic Charles D. Ward said in an interview. “This hotel violated every rule of how to avoid provoking a monster attack. It’s located in an abandoned monster nest, it destroyed an ancient temple dedicated to appeasing the spirits of giant monsters to make room for a tennis court, the concierge building is built on an ancient native burial ground, they deported a number of mystical shamans with only pennies in their pockets as compensation for taking their tribal lands, and they broke open three twenty-foot eggs to make a Guinness-Book record omelet.”

The IPGM defended their actions by saying that “it’s necessary to get away from civilization to a plush resort so we can focus our minds on saving the world. Plus, the breakfast bar is awesome and none of us can afford the 1500-dollar-a-night rooms on our own salaries: we need governments to pay for it. As for the eggs; well, you can’t make an omelet without breaking a few eggs, and as the Romans said, Carpe Guinness.”

In addition to the choice of venue, at least one of the scheduled activities has raised a few eyebrows. On Wednesday night a local mystic will read aloud from the “Book of Giant Monster Summoning and Release”, discovered under the Sphinx’ paw earlier this year in Egypt. Some have raised concerns that the ritual, which will include the sacrifice of a number of animals, might actually provoke a giant monster attack.

“That’s patently absurd,” said head of the IPGM Sir Reginald P. McCutcheon-Scottsborough. “We’re government officials and scientists. We know exactly what we’re doing. Those who speak ill of us are simply standing athwart progress, sinful fools who are betraying the common good. They should be stoned, stabbed, drowned, or shot, whichever is the most expedient way to hasten their demise.”

Former vice president John K. Mondale will be a keynote speaker at the event. He told reporters at the Peabody Awards, where he accepted the award for ‘Best Radio Broadcast’ for the rebroadcast of his acceptance speech at the Grammies for the book-on-tape version of his film An Uninvited Guest, that “I’m excited to be a speaker at such a prestigious gathering, and I look forward to being able to address this very pressing concern that threatens to overwhelm us all in days, or perhaps minutes. The scientific consensus is clear: we’re all doomed unless a massive bureaucracy is formed to fight against this existential threat to our species.”

Actor/director/activist Leonardo DiCaprio will also be there, although delegates admit that he’s just going to be “eye candy” since he’s mind-numbingly stupid.