Lunar Radiation Harmful, Study Says

A new study released today revealed that “far from being a benign lover’s illumination, lunar radiation poses a very real and previously-unsuspected health risk.” The study, funded by NASA through the ICSS, had been intended to clarify the impact that reflected solar radiation has on global climate change. But instead the authors found that moonlight is the previously-unknown catalyst for hundreds of burgeoning health crises.

“The scientific consensus is clear,” said Dr. Stephanie Kimball, head of the 1,998-member team that studied lunar rays. “It’s long been known that solar radiation could cause everything from sunburns to skin cancer, but everyone had suspected that at night we were relatively safe from their influence. It turns out we were wrong.”

Using measuring stations located around the world, Kimball and her team found that far from a break at night, when the moon reflected sunlight back onto the earth it actually heightened its lethality by removing the rays’ protective encapsulation of UV radiation, the cause of sunburn. Without the UV rays hardening the skin against their absorption the Variably-Oscillating Lunar Emissions, which the report calls “nocturnal disease beams,” are absorbed directly into the body and can cause everything from lupus to halitosis.

“Cancer was almost unknown sixty years ago in India, and now we have a rate of almost 100 cancer patients per 100 thousand people,” said team member Dr. Sanjay Gaupta. “At the same time lunar radiation has increased from sunspot activity and reduced cloud cover due to global climate change. Here is the inconvenient summary to this terrible truth: the moon is slowly killing us.”

Global, Not Just Personal, Problems

What about the moon’s impact on global climate change? “It’s also a factor,” said Kimball. “1934 and 1998 were both years with 14 full moons, and they’re among the hottest years on record. It’s not a coincidence. And we also suspect that the moon’s influence on tides and gravity waxes and wanes, which would explain the rise in destructive hurricanes like Katrina. Every indicator we understand points to one common denominator: it’s the moon.”

Politicians urged immediate action. Minnesota representative Melissa Hortence said that she wanted to look into whether or not the moon was responsible for the I-35 bridge collapse. “Did gravity fluctuations from the moon cause the bridge collapse? Will they happen again and collapse other Minnesota bridges? The Federal government needs to quickly release disaster aid money to allow us to find out.”

A group of surgeon generals, acting as advisors to the panel, seconded the call for immediate action. “The recent rise in weight of American children clearly shows that gravity is increasing. Therefore drastic steps must be implemented in public policy to ensure that this gravity distortion is reduced in order to safeguard the health and well-being of America’s underinsured children.”

“I’m forming an exploratory committee right now to deal with this crisis,” Republican presidential hopeful Ron Paul said through a campaign e-mail sent out late Monday. “Headed by Karl Rove and retired general Thaddeus Ross, we’ll be ready after Inauguration Day in 2009 to launch a full-scale nuclear assault to blow this lunar assassin out of the sky.”

“I’m sure some people will be resistant to this idea,” Kimball admitted. “So-called ‘Lunar-tics’ will insist that it’s just environmental alarmism, and claim we can just adapt to the moon’s destructive influence. But we can’t hope that this just blows over; we have to act drastically right now to save future generations.”

As protection the report suggests that people wear tin-foil pajamas to protect them from moon rays and purchase lead-lined blankets that will be available later this year from noted environmental firm Generation Investment Management.

Kimball said that she is very worried about the future. “When I see a full moon now it’s not romantic anymore, and I certainly don’t worry about werewolves. I want to go hide in a bank vault.”