Thursday, August 23, 2007

John "Tyler" Edwards

I've finally figured out John Edwards' secret plan to be president. It's not that he's a whiny, self-absorbed phony who thinks he can bitch and moan his way to president. No, it's that he's a shrewd student of history and the laws of probability. John Edwards hopes to be the next John Tyler.

Fact: Tyler was elected VP to a wildly popular war hero, William Harrison (Tippecanoe)
Edwards hopes to be vice president to the nearest thing Democrats have to a war hero, Hillary Clinton, who voted for the Iraq war and speaks moderately about it.

Fact: Tippecanoe caught pneumonia after a four-hour inauguration speech in the rain without a hat
Edwards knows that Clinton will ramble on and on at her inauguration, for hours. And if that doesn't get her ill, Edwards is banking on those VP death squads that have served Dick Cheney so well.

Fact: John Tyler split with his party after being president
Edwards has split from his party by submerging himself into the netroots

Fact: John Tyler was the first VP to seize the presidency, nearly splitting the country in two
Edwards would also like to split the country in two, then take all the money from one and put it in his own pocket (the famous "two Americas" theme)

Fact: John Tyler was put on the ticket because he cried when Henry Clay didn't get the nomination
Edwards is right now touring the country crying because Ann Coulter was mean to him

Can there be any doubt that Edwards is hoping to be the next Tyler?