Classified Ads of the Damned

WANT ADS

REPORTERS NEEDED for magazine that prides itself on being a pillar of the media community. Honesty and integrity are required in reporters, as bloodhounds are employed as fact checkers. Sleeping with current staff members recommended. No background check required. Contact FF at SO-FIRED.TNR

RUTHLESS DICTATOR seeks experienced assistant with ax to grind against investigative reporters and social progress. Arctic survival skills and experience with radioactive poisons are a plus. May need to take suicide pill. Contact VLADDY at JOSEF4EVR.RUS

HARD-HITTING REPORTER looking for anyone who has information or experience with the Texas Air National in the early 1970s. Credibility is not an issue, will visit mental hospitals or elderly cranks. Some light typing on vintage typewriters may be required. Contact Big Dan at FAKEBUTACCURATE.ABC

LIKE POLITICS? What could be better than working on a presidential campaign? If you want to volunteer your time (unpaid) to an up-and-coming contender then contact us today! JOHN M at NEEDCA$H.GOP

I BUY LURID STORIES! Got a dark secret that you would love to tell people but afraid of how they’ll react? Good news! I need to fill up my next memoir about the time that I worked as a transvestite crack whore, Things that Probably Happened to Somebody. I need 400 pages of filler, willing to pay ten cents a word. Contact Jimmy at OPRAHWONTCALL.BOOK

SEEKING POSITIONS

ALLEGED NEWS PUNDIT seeks change-of-pace to continue exposing the evil and hypocrisy so rampant in society, especially Republicans and Fox employees. Slight problem with foaming at the mouth (not rabies-related). KEITHO at OREILLYSUX.MSNBC

FORMER BUREAU CHIEF seeks opportunity with top-flight multimedia company in any capacity. Winner of the “Jimmy Duranty” award for Excellence in Iraq. Experienced in spoken-word extemporaneous presentations about military atrocities that are, strictly speaking, not true. Contact EJ at USA=BAD.CNN

SINGLES

FABULIST BLOGGER seeks woman who will understand and nurture my slight tendency to exaggerate, particularly about things I haven’t seen and haven’t done. Be gentle, ladies, I’m recovering from pre-traumatic stress syndrome and the heartbreak of my former fiancée finding out I’m an ass. No disfigured chicks. Contact STB and BRIG.GOV