Did you know that in the eyes of a 7-year-old, Han Solo frozen in carbonite is disgustingly worse than the charred skeletons of Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru?
That’s the conclusion I’ve been left to draw after another meltdown by my daughter following a screening of “The Empire Strikes Back.” Mountains of dead rebels on Hoth? No problem. Exploding space ships sending scores of Imperial pilots to their doom? Who cares? C-3PO blasted to pieces? Good riddance.
Han Solo safely frozen in carbonite, all his vitals normal, with a dribble of spit coming out of the corner of his mouth? A veritable crime against humanity. Greatest tragedy since “Old Yeller.” Worst parental decision ever.
Then, just to top it all off, in the post-movie discussion about what happened to Darth Vader’s wife I LET IT SLIP THAT LUKE AND LEIA ARE BROTHER AND SISTER!! I mean, really, it’s bad enough that I’m forcing my children to watch Star Wars and scarring them for life, do I have to ruin the last big plot twist as well? I feel like such a turd.
I know it would be borderline child abuse to show children Episodes 1-3, but I had no idea that 4-6 would be so traumatic. And my wife’s response of “Strike two, daddy” isn’t really helping matters, either.
So I’ve decided that this weekend we’ll be screening two Hitchcock classics, “The Birds” and “Psycho” and then driving deep into the country to buy some parakeets before retiring to an out-of-the-way sinisterly brooding hotel.
Thursday, August 16, 2007
Top-Notch Parenting, Part 2
