Pissing Up with Pearlman

Regular readers (both of them) may have noticed in the past my not-so-subtle attempts to spark up a public flamewar with someone vastly more popular than me (columnists, celebrities, Martha Stewart, etc). Come to think of it, that pretty much describes everybody currently on-line, from moon landing doubters to blogs that focus on the proper way to cook turnips.

Anyway, one particular target I fired at early on was Jeff Pearlman, who I vented my spleen on here. Sadly, I couldn’t stoke it into a big public fight to garner some linkage. Turns out, I didn’t try hard enough: in his column this week Pearlman links to a blog that ripped him over another column he wrote.

Oh, the pain of knowing that if only I’d pushed harder, that could be my blog in there instead of FireJayMariotti! The sleepless nights! I’m terribly depressed.

Having missed the boat with Pearlman, I’m going to rev it up and take a shot at another ESPN columnist, Jonah “Smirkmeister” Keri. Here’s my opening salvo:

“In his latest waste of electrons, Jonah Keri would have us believe that he’s a 6’4” tall Nordic god with wavy hair and muscles like Thor. I doubt it. He’s probably five foot nothing, his muscles pale and flabby from disuse, and also balding with an appalling under bite. I bet that his picture is photoshopped so much Reuters wouldn’t touch it with a ten-foot pole. But I would believe he has Thor bedsheets and Spiderman underwear on his flabby, uncool ass.”

There. Now I just have to sit back and wait until Keri deigns to notice me and responds. In fact, to make it easy, I’m going to suggest a response for the estimable Mr. Keri:

“So some stupid blogger douchebag said I was short, pale, flabby and liver-spotted. I may be pale and flabby, but I’m a full 6’4” pale and flabby! He’s probably some chickenhawk red-state goober that hates soccer and has lots of girlfriends from Canada. I’m not going to link to him so that none of you catch a bad case of dumbass from him.”

There, that’s all done, then. If there’s a hole in this plan, I sure as heck don’t see it.