Earth resisting human “infection,” Scientist Says

When people get an infection, they run a fever and take antibiotics in an attempt to kill off the hostile organisms. Similarly, the Earth has begun to run a fever and is in the beginning stages of applying anti-humanics in an attempt to drive out what has become a hostile infection.

That’s the conclusion of a recent report by Dr. Jim Robertson, Head of Environmental Studies at Dubuque University in Cheyenne. He and other researchers around the world have been studying recent reports of animal and environmental behavior, and have concluded that the world is “in the first stages of an organized resistance against humans, whose slow but steady destruction of Earth has finally marshaled its defenses against us.”

Dr. Robertson’s group studied over 4000 cases of documented events around the world where natural forces have attacked human settlements. “When your body gets sick, you have lots of different responses: some white blood cells attack directly while others coordinate the defense mechanisms, you get soreness and inflammation as physical barriers to further entry, and overall your temperature rises to be less hospitable to the offensive agent.”

Like Frank and Ernest

Like one of those famously unfunny Frank and Ernest cartoons, the Earth is in the first stages of what will likely be several-millennia malady.

“Earth’s temperature is rising as it gets a fever, and now we’re seeing the first response of ‘white blood cells.’ It’s not an accident that beaver attacks are up 800% in the last two years, monkeys are running amok in Mississippi, and moose are farting out enough methane to power the entire state of New York for a year. Some scientists think it’s coincidence, but it’s pretty clear that Mother Earth is trying to tell us something.”

More ominous, says team member and Chief Volcanologist Sally Spitzmeyer, is the rise in volcanic activity. “We can sweat to help lower our body temperatures, but the Earth doesn’t have that option. So instead she blows her top and spews lava and ash all over everything. If anything, the recent Guardian report was optimistic.”

As far as preparedness goes, the report was bleak, quoting a famous TV newcaster as saying that “it’s time for people to crack each other over the heads and feast on the goo inside.”

When asked what people can do to help ease the Earth’s response to its infection, Robertson was similarly blunt: “Die.”