Monday, August 27, 2007

Huffington Post Baseball’s Dictators of the Diamond

A HuffPo Special Sports Analogy by Jim Swifty:

Since the worst US president ever (at least until General Pace gets his act together) used to be associated with major league baseball, we thought it’d be fun to put together a “Dictators of the Diamond” baseball team of the most bloodthirsty, country-wrecking, droolingly incompetent dictators of all time.

Don't look down here for your run of the mill dictators like Pol Pot, or wannabes like Saddam. These are the worst of the worst, a veritable all-star lineup of the damned, ready to start tonight in Hell's Stadium:

Starting Lineup
Abraham Lincoln
(CF): From suspending habeus corpus to ignoring his generals, Lincoln wrote the textbook on how to destroy everything that makes America great. It has been well-read by team owner George Bush.

Richard Nixon (2B): The first of two criminals to have served as US president, Nixon was solely responsible for the debacle in Vietnam and was the first president whose cabinet was made up entirely of inept burglars. Only a great statesman like Jimmy Carter could hope to rebuild the shattered remains of the republic that this lizard-man left behind.

Ronald Reagan (DH): He may be old, and he may have lost a step, but he still swings a mean bat, just like he did when he set back civil rights and antagonized most of the free world with his ridiculous "Star Wars" plan. Conservatives have been hiding behind him for over 25 years now, even though he’s been dead or incapacitated for quite a few of them.

Mikhail Gorbachev (1B): Some people see Gorbachev as a great liberator of ordinary Russians who helped dissolve their empire into component parts. But without the wiser and more sober USSR to counterbalance American arrogance, we’ve been treated to Iraq, Afghanistan, and Darfur. So he definitely gets a starting spot in the lineup for being a dictator enabler.

Chiang Kai-shek (LF): For several years Chiang Kai-shek stood between the Chinese and modernity under the beneficent Mao Zedong. Finally driven off the mainland, he settled his tyrannical rule on Taiwan. As great as the Chinese economy and culture is today, just imagine how spectacular it would be if the country were whole. Well, it was this short-sighted jerk who kept that from happening.

Margaret Thatcher (SS): The “Iron Lady” helped push back progress in South America by 30 years when she bombed it back to the Stone Age during the Falklands war. Fortunately, Hugo Chavez has spent the last 10 years reminding us of the wonders that Socialism can work in solving the problems of the third world. She also set back labor rights in the United Kingdom, and everybody knows that the workers must control the means of production.

Shimon Peres (3B): Responsible for several massacres in Lebanon as well as being a willing participant in the new apartheid of the Palestinians, some people think that Peres finally got what was coming to him in 2006 when he suffered his massive stroke. Those people need to remember two words: life support.

Winston Churchill (C): He firebomed Dresden. He helped create apartheid South Africa. He brutally suppressed wartime England. He was responsible for the WWI disaster in Gallipoli. It was his inflammatory rhetoric that drove an otherwise peaceful painter known as Adolf Hitler into a killing frenzy that led to an atomic bomb being dropped on Nagasaki. Can anyone other than Churchill take credit for the disaster that was the 20th century?

Pope John Paul 2 (RF): Somehow this out-of-touch, self-hating, closet homosexual made Thatcher and Reagan look centrist by comparison. We would say he ruined the Catholic church, but it didn’t really amount to much anyway.

William F. Buckley (SP): Laying down rhetorical cover fire for this parade of miscreants and psychopaths, Buckley is a propagandist without peer.

Michelle Malkin (RP): If Buckley is a conservative Goebbels, then Malkin is his charming movie whore Liefenstahl, prancing around in her yellow bikini shouting “whore!” while she gobbles up [disgusting racially-based sexual slur deleted by admin]

Joseph Leiberman (RP): It’s only a matter of time before this Trojan senator shows his true colors and puts that “R” next to his name, just like he’s wanted to for the last 30 years. Dirty Jew.

Golda Meier (RP): Here’s another dirty Jew that people seem to like for some reason, so she makes the list too. Plus she’s got that stupid quote about the noble Palestinian resistance fighters that is always used out of context. Everybody knows what she really said: "Peace will come when the Palestinians love their children with memorials because we killed all of them and dumped them into mass graves."

Karl Rove (Manager): Only an evil genius could get this quarrelsome group to perform so flawlessly to advance to Christian zealotry across the globe and destroy the lives of millions, despite the fact that he's a moronic homosexual agnostic wiccan necrophiliac crack addict illegal alien fascist.

George Bush (Owner): If season tickets sales drop, he can always crash a jet into the stadium, just like he did when he needed to boost his presidential approval rating.