Fred Thompson Formally Declares

Fred Thompson announced today that he was formally announcing his candidacy to replace Andy Rooney, the 88-year old rumored humorist that closes the hour-long Viacom promotional show “60 Minutes” on CBS.

“People have misunderstood my comments over the past few months to think that I was going to run for president,” Thompson said through a statement. “But in reality I’ve been solidifying my credentials as an ‘elderly crank’ so I can replace Mr. Rooney on national television as the voice of an angry, uninformed uncle that you don’t pay any attention to and institutionalize at the earliest opportunity.”

Thompson said that it should have been clear he didn’t intend to run for president, since he had shown little interest in debating other candidates and had lost all campaign momentum over the summer by his ritual fan dance around the question of his candidacy.

“I didn’t mean to mislead anybody,” said Thompson. “But out of respect for Mr. Rooney, I have been keeping silent until the time was right. I only hope that I can live up to the cantankerous spirit of America’s favorite old codger.”