Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Can’t-Miss TV: Survivor: China

It’s sure to be nothing but action and excitement this season as an all-new Survivor debuts, ten times more dangerous that any before! It’s all the action and intrigue that you’ve come to love from Survivor, with an added twist of long-term personal danger!

In addition to the typical dangers from exposure, exhaustion, and all manner of stinging bugs and strange plants, this season’s Survivor will have some twists that highlight the mysteries and wonders of China:

  • In the Toy Factory Job challenge two teams will be forced to work in a modern, high-tech Chinese toy factory. They’ll have to pick up the intricacies of using a tiny paintbrush and lead-based paint to detail Polly Pocket jackets quickly, though, because the team that turns out the fewest toys will have to sleep in the asbestos-laden factory, which will still be humming with 10-to-12-year-olds cranking out other Fisher-Price favorites all night long.

  • A special “luxury item” will be a plastic-sealed fork manufactured in Portland, Oregon. Other contestants will be eating with recycled chopsticks like Chinese diners.

  • In a deal with the Chinese Dental Association, contestants this season will make and use their own toothbrushes with Chinese toothpaste’s revolutionary secret ingredient (methylethyldeath) to demonstrate its incredible efficiency at literally melting away tooth decay.

  • Unlike previous editions of Survivor, the castaways will not have to hunt for every meal. Instead, traditional Chinese delicacies such as mercury-laden Tuna and slightly poisonous meat paste will be on offer. Out-of-date vegetables will be a staple of stronger-stomached contestants.

  • For the losers of some challenges, only pesticide-laced pet food will be available for them to eat. Authorities ensure them that death is unlikely but kidney damage is probable if they consume it. Do they dare?

  • Sleeping beds and tents will be made from the revolutionary Chinese “Spontaneously Combusting Children’s Pajama Costumes.” Contestants will have to sew them together themselves with tetanus-laced needles.

Survivor producers are already hard at work on their next location, which they hope to place near an English germ-study center with a pension for releasing plagues into the local environment. They’re calling it “Survivor: British Fever.”