Gone to the Dogs

There’s an old Atlanta saying that “it’s not the size of the dog in the fight, but the size of the fight in the dog.” With that in mind, here’s an analysis of which breed of dog our crop of 2008 presidential candidates most resembles.

Democratic Kennel Club

Hillary Clinton: Siberian Husky
She’s sleek, she’s strong, and she’s just plain better than the other candidates in the democratic field. She’s also the candidate that gives you the sense that there’s somebody else driving the sled and whipping her on; somebody named Bill, perhaps.

John Edwards: Poodle
People love to dress poodles up, coif and tease their hair until it’s just right, paint their nails all kinds of different cute colors, and name them Poopsie Woopsie and the like. But it doesn’t hide the fact that they’re shrill little yappers.

Barack Obama: Bulldog
I quote from the website Dog Breed about Bulldogs: “Wants to please more then anything. Not a watchdog. Needs owner who will show leadership. Tends to drool, slobber and snore. Prone to flatulence.” I can’t speak for the flatulence, but the rest looks pretty accurate.

Chris Dodd: Estrela Mountain Dog
Never heard of it? Don’t know anything about it? Couldn’t pick it out of a lineup? I give you Chris Dodd, presidential aspirant.

Republican Kennel Club

Rudy Giuliani: Doberman Pincer
You know how lethal-looking these dogs are, but their owners always say “trust him with your baby, he wouldn’t hurt a fly!” That’s how conservatives feel about Giuliani, sure that the moment he takes office he’ll nominate Jimmy Carter for the Supreme Court and outlaw French Fries.

Mitt Romney: Cocker Spaniel
For some people this is the ultimate in dogs, intelligent, good-natured, and superior to all the rest. For other people it’s just a weird-looking dog with no tail. You make the call.

John McCain: Dachshund
If there’s one true wiener in this race it’s McCain, with his attempts to get the nomination and alienate Republicans all at the same time.

Ron Paul: Chihuahua with Pit Bull delusions
The kind of dog that makes you want to step on it, always yapping and snapping at everybody around. But for some reason the owners think it’s cute and insist on bringing the demented little bastard to every party and restaurant they visit.

Undecided Kennel Club

Al Gore: St. Bernard
One thing’s for sure with these big dogs: they leave a mountain of shit for somebody to clean up. Just ask the poor guys that had to pick up after Live Earth. Plus, the “Saint” in the name crystallizes how Gore sees himself.

Fred Thompson: Beagle
Thanks to Snoopy, everybody wants to have a beagle. But nobody’s all that sure what it means to own a beagle, and they’ll be disappointed when they find out it doesn’t do everything Snoopy does in Peanuts.