Michigan Primary Moved to January 2007

His hand forced by a recent report in LiveScience, Michigan’s Senior US Senator Carl Levin (D) announced that the upcoming presidential primary for his state had already taken place…in January 2007!

“Only a handful of people know about this,” Levin said in an interview. “But next February we’ll be putting Michigan voters in a time machine to go back and have our primary vote at the beginning of this year. I stayed behind to hold the results, which I have here in a sealed envelope.”

Levin said the time machine was funded by the billions in earmarks he has socked away over the years like his good friend Ted Stevens (R-AK). Michigan was forced to take such drastic action by “those irresponsible Iowa hicks and New Hampshire yahoos that insisted on being first.”

“I want to be first,” Levin said. “It’s not fair if somebody else is first. It’s practically an insult. So we went back in time and had our vote, but only after rope-a-doping those other states into looking like irrational morons by moving their primaries to Thanksgiving 2007.”

Levin said that the personal impacts of staying behind had been difficult. “That’s why I’ve seemed so out-of-it since January; I’m actually suffering from spatial distortion, also called Chronometer-Induced Idiocy.”

Asked about the results of the vote, Levin declined to announce them until the agreed-upon date in February 2008. “But let’s just say that Hillary’s optimism is well-placed, and people severely underestimate Ron Paul.”

(H/T Captain's Quarters)