Thursday, August 23, 2007

Professor Coldwater’s Thermal Diet


Recent surveys show that at least 60% of the US population is dangerously overweight, with computer users at a shocking 98% obesity rate. Since it’s like that you’re therefore one of the fat tubs of lard that will soon die of clogged artery or rectal cancer caused by eating sugared fat, Professor Coldwater would like to present to you his revolutionary new diet, ABSOLUTELY FREE OF CHARGE!

The secret of the Professor’s diet is this: when you eat something, you must expel it at your body temperature. If you eat something cold, then your body must burn energy (i.e. fat) in order to warm it up. It’s that simple!

Hot coffee? Warm meals? Biscuits straight out of the oven? Those are the obstacles that stand between your flabby posterior and that tight, firm, Playboy-style body that you’ve always dreamed of.

Professor Coldwater’s diet is simple: by drinking water at just 1° C, you can force your body to expend the necessary calories to heat it all the way back up to 98.6° F! And those calories, spent day after day and week after week, will eventually add up. If you only burn 500 calories a day, you’ll lose a pound a week.

But don’t just take the Professor’s word for it; check out this impressive calculation which proves the Professor’s point beyond the shadow of a doubt:

Energy is U=m*Cp*ΔT

In this case, since the heat capacity of water is a measly 1 calorie/° C per gram, and we’re going all the way from 36° C down to 1° C, we can see that:

U = 13.9 grams * 1 calorie/°C/g * (36-1) °C = 500 calories!

14 grams of water a day? Why, that’s practically nothing! Drink up, and be sure to show off your new body in a thong bikini in the most public and inappropriate place you can think of, like your local Internet cafe or church!

And remember: when people stare at your hot new body and wonder where it came from, tell ‘em that Professor Coldwater told you his secret: U=m*Cp*ΔT

[Notice: This is not an advice or a recommendation. Consult your physician before starting Professor Coldwater’s Diet. Possible side effects of Professor Coldwater’s Diet include drowning, vomiting, death, and increased urination. Professor Coldwater is not a professor, nor a doctor, nor a dietician. Some calculations above may be incorrect. Your results may vary. For a free trial of Professor Coldwater’s product, move to Saskatchewan.]