Study Shows Most Studies Unnecessary

A recent study published in the Journal of Studies showed that 88% of all government-funded studies are obvious to persons of even average intelligence. The authors said that “it’s clear that federal funds are being frittered away on studies that, even to the average moron, seem stupefyingly clear.”

They cited as a perfect example the recent study showing that kids justified illegal downloads via the psychological compensation system professionals call “everybody’s doing it.”

“They didn’t already know this?” asked one researcher. “And they found somebody with money who didn’t know it either? How about a study on the impact of giving me money? Will a 500-page proposal secure a couple million for that?”

Further, the report cited upcoming studies such as the highly-touted Harvard University study “The Pope: Still Catholic?” and the Lancet study “Fatality Rate of Fatal Wounds” as being a “further pollution of the public discourse and contributing to the overall sense that universities and think-tanks are breeding grounds for morons.”

“I don’t need a study to tell me that a bear goes in the woods,” said one author. “It’s something I already know. They could at least study bear toilet-paper usage patterns. It’s truly maddening.”