It’s the time of year when everybody and their grandma issues mock drafts. Well, except Barack Obama’s grandma, who is more likely issuing restraining orders or angry letters.
Anyway, I’m not going to do that. Instead, I’m going to give you the ultimate insider’s view of the NFL draft: the 2013 draft. Not only am I plugged in to high-school football, I have advanced computer models. And if a computer said it, it must be true.
The 2012 record is in parenthesis.
Miami (1-15): Tadd Hapscott, QB, Notre Dame. Having seen the poise, presence, and gravity-defying way that Brady Quinn carried the clipboard in Cleveland the past six seasons, Miami is desperate to finally resolve their QB crises that has persisted since the departure of Dan Marino.
Oakland (1-14-1): Mino Taur, RB, LSU. The 5’8” 1052-lb Taur will give the Raiders a desperately-needed RB, since they had had an NFL-record 44 tries from 2 yards or less that they failed to convert. However, Taur has been plagued by rumors that he is actually a small bull in a helmet, and the NFL announced he must pass a “Species Test” before they will certify him to play.
Detroit (2-14): Cud Foley, WR, Nebraska. Even though Nebraska has used the T-Wing since 2011, latter-day Rasputin Matt Millen is sure that Foley is the missing link in his fifteen-year, WR-based rebuilding plan.
Arizona (3-13): Ricky Williams, Guru, Calcutta State (India). Since Williams never really had any impact in the pros, his eligibility has been reset after becoming a certified Guru from Calcutta State. The Cardinals are hoping he can exorcise their demons and help them finally reach 5 wins this decade.
New England (acquired via trade from San Francisco for Scott Pioli’s DNA and a bag of marbles): John Q. Smith, position unknown, Nondescript State University. Though concerns persist that Bill Bellicheck’s withdrawal to an isolated hotel room in Las Vegas will hurt team focus, it is sure that New England will once again take a player nobody ever heard of and make him a star.
Cincinnati (4-12): The entire graduating class of Harvard Law. Having forfeited six games in 2012 because too many players were suspended to field a team, Cincinnati is hoping that this will get their players out of court and onto the field. Salary cap room may be a concern, however.
Washington (5-11): NMSU observatory refractory mirror, NMSU. Daniel Snyder saw the mirror while on a tour and said that “he’s the most handsome guy coming out of the draft this year.”
Cleveland (5-11): Carlos Vincenzo, WR, UCLA. Despite seven consecutive pro bowl appearances, fans are still calling for Derek Anderson to be replaced by Brady Quinn at QB. Vincenzo will be a valuable deep threat for Anderson, which was sorely lacking in last year’s WR corps.
Baltimore (6-10): Pheekus “Slim” Whitman, QB, Arkansas. Despite going 2-9 last year, everyone says that Whitman is a can’t-miss prospect, so Baltimore will snap him up here to avoid having to pay less for him when he will surely be available later in the draft.
NY Jets (6-10): Jack Bauer, agent, FBI. Convinced that their stadium is rigged with electronic monitoring devices by the hated Patriots, whom they have not beaten for four seasons, the Jets are hoping Bauer can find the devices within 24 hours and save the world, their season, and some woman with heaving bosoms.
Chicago (7-9): Craig Spurrier, QB, USC. In addition to getting a polished QB, the Bears are hoping to lure his famous father out of retirement to be their head coach as well.
Los Angeles Starzz (7-9 as Buffalo Bills in 2012): Paris Spears, K, Hollywood Hills Community College. In their inaugural season the Starzz are determined to change the way the NFL does business, from their all-transvestite offensive line to their powder blue uniforms. Their draft strategy is also daring, as they will take Paris Spears, the hideous creature that was created during an accident on the Fox reality show “Britney and Paris go to Chernobyl!”
St. Louis (7-9): Doyle Grange, RB, Georgia. Grange is part of the makeover of the Rams’ offense from pass-centric to a more balanced attack (5% run, 95% passing).
Jacksonville (8-8): Avery McAverage, Utility Infielder, State U. This move helps cement Jacksonville’s status as your average NFL team. Word is that, in violation of the tampering rules, they’ve already given him an average salary offer.
Kansas City (8-8): Phillip “Hooligan” Reid, DE, Miami. Part of Herm Edwards’ continued “character development” program. Reid has been plagued in the past by drug arrests, murder indictments, assault, and charges of illegal transportation of a mallard, but he has gone at least three months without a new arrest while being in held in solitary confinement at the U. Miami coach Ralph Thuggerson said that Reid is misunderstood and is actually “very sensitive.”
Orlando Mice (8-8): J.K. Rowling, Author, North Anglican Scrivener’s University. In their second season since relocating from Tampa Bay, the Mice will draft prolific author and rightsholder J.K. Rowling, hoping to bastardize her literary work for cheap Disney cartoons for years to come.
Carolina (8-8): Russ Minuoue, DT, Hawaii. The 6’ 10”, 642-lb defensive lineman will add some heft to the league’s smallest line, which weighed in at a petite 580 lbs last season.
Pittsburgh (8-8): Rock Cartrwright, QB, Boston College. Chin of granite, arms of iron, heart of stone, and ACL of spaghetti, Cartrwright is a major risk after missing all four years in college due to injury.
Tennessee (9-7): Dr. Mike Cody, CEO, Lenscrafters. Cody has publicly stated that he hopes to help out the “obvious visual problems in Tennessee for fans that still insist the Music City Miracle was a lateral.”
Atlanta (9-7): Mike Vick, QB, US Federal Prison System. Vick played well for the Falcons in his first return before being arrested for running an illegal goldfish-eating operation behind his house on Aerator Road. They just hope he doesn’t get arrested in January again, like he did in 2012, costing them a Superbowl.
Minnesota (9-7): Cy Sperling, not just president of Hair Club for Men, but also a client. With fans ripping their hair out season after wasted season, this seems like a natural fit.
Denver (9-6-1): Kris Ragarm, QB, Limpwrist University. Having finally regained form last season after suffering five years of futility since discovering that coach Mike Shanahan was actually a terminator from the future sent to destroy Jake Plummer, fans have to wonder if this is the right move following the “Jay Cutler” disaster of 2008.
Philadelphia (10-6): Ben Richards, Pilot, USMC. The Eagles are hoping that Richards can help clean up the mean streets of Philadelphia, or if not, at least be relied upon to utter pithy one-liners as the team collapses in on itself during is biannual “blame the other guy” stretch.
Houston (10-6): Katie Holmes, beard, Hollywood. Sadly, she may well be the manliest player on the team.
Seattle (11-5): “Pudge” Kirsky, WR, West Virginia. Year after year, Seattle loses in the playoffs despite being head-and-shoulders better than their opponents in the NFC West, which sucks. So a Big East alum should fit right in here.
New York Scandlers (11-5): Marty McFly, LT, Colgate. Since Eli Manning retired in disgrace after the sex tape between him, rap star Lil’ Ho, and Shia LeBoeuf was released, the Scandlers have been like a rudderless ship. McFly can change all that with his movie-star good looks.
San Diego Chargers (12-4): Melvin Powers, WR, Texas A&M. If the Chargers once again lose in the first round of the playoffs, it’s possible that head coach Norv Turner’s job might be in jeopardy.
Dallas Egomaniacs (12-4): Suge Knight, Mogul, Death Row Records. Ghoulish caricature Jerry Jones continues to collect castoffs and low-character players, but the results speak for themselves: two Super Bowl appearances, fifteen arrests, and the only locker room in the NFL with a stripper’s pole
New England (13-3): Photoshopped pictures of Peyton Manning with a goat, TMZ.com. Bellicheck will have to satisfy himself by chortling over fake photos of his nemesis while wallowing in his own filth on the thirty-third floor of the MGM Grand.
Indianapolis (13-3): Kyle Brody, OT, Delaware. The Colts would really love to draft highly-touted WR Barry Gordon, but his agent, Scott Boras, is asking for the GNP of Peru in order to sign “the fastest man alive.”
New Orleans (14-2): Hans Blix, dissembler, UN. Having reached the Superbowl via their powerful defense, the Saints will likely go winless this year since they can’t have two consecutive decent seasons. They’re hoping Blix can explain to fans why that is, exactly.
Green Bay (15-1): Britt Forve, QB, Missippi Mudhole U. Even though they won the Superbowl, the Packers can’t escape the long shadow of their iconic QB from the end of the 20th century. While Forve doesn’t look the part, he did throw an NCAA-record 162 interceptions, half of them game-ending, so Cheesehead faithful have something to hope for. Also promising: Sports Illustrated columnist Peter King had to be treated for the vapors after he met Forve, and said the senior “sent feelings through me I thought were long dead.”