In a tearful press conference today, Democratic New York governor Eliot Spitzer revealed that while he did purchase the services of $5500 prostitutes from the Emperor's Club, the services were all for treatment of a medical problem caused by trace contaminants in New York's drinking water.
"The painful truth is that the parts per million viagra in the New York water supply have augmented my already tremendous virility, causing a rare medical condition called Boneritis. The only reason I subscribed to the Emperor's Club Naughty Nurse Club was to help treat this condition, which can cause distraction and embarrassment at public functions. In my case it also causes stiff-legged walking, if you know what I mean."
Appearing with his stone-faced wife at his side, the Governor asked for the press to respect his privacy during this difficult time. When asked by a reporter why his wife didn't treat it, the Governor said that "she's not a nurse, nor is she particularly naughty."
One of the Governor's doctors said there was no danger to other New Yorkers. "Boneritis will only affect the already manly and virile, and most New York men are feminized to such a degree that any onset of the disease only moves them to semi-macho, like Potsie or Ralph Malph. Only in a superb specimen, such as Governor Spitzer or that icon of manliness Michael Bloomberg, would we expect to see a full-on case of Boneritis, also called Fonzarelli Syndrome. It is treatable, although some do find the procedure seedy."
Some wondered if chemicals in the water also affected the governor's judgment. Typical was Selma O'Toole, who asked "is there some stupid in the water that led to the whole driver's license thing as well?"
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