New York’s incoming Lieutenant Governor today pre-emptively revealed that while he was Alderman of New York’s eighteenth ward he stalked hobos and ate their flesh, but that he did not do so on government time and never used government funds for his activities.
“I think that everybody has things in their past they’re sorry about,” he told a room of terrified reporters on Monday. “And I would like to say that I’m really, really sorry about that, and if I had it to do over again, I would definitely not stalk the mean streets of New York hunting the world’s most dangerous prey.”
When asked by reporters why he chose to reveal this previously-hidden detail of his life, the Lt. Governor said that “since Governor Paterson seems determined to set a speed record for getting thrown out of office, I figured I needed to let everybody know what was waiting for them if they run him off. It helps people to make informed decisions.”
Asked about allegations of necrophilia, the Lt. Governor said that “I’m not here to talk about the past, I want to move forward with good governance for New York. Anybody wanna go to dinner?”