Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Democratic Candidates Heat Up Rhetoric

The two remaining Democratic candidates continued to heat up their rhetoric against one another today in their ongoing bid to convince voters that each is the more qualified of the two to assume the mantle of the presidency.

Hillary began the back-and-forth at a campaign stop in Redding, Pennsylvania where she told a group of voters that “I know what it’s like to come under fire, first metaphorically as a woman trying to succeed in the testosterone-charged world of corporate law, and then literally on my many diplomatic missions with Sinbad the Sailor, where we had to dodge flak and sniper bullets every morning just to get to the breakfast buffet.”

Obama, who was stumping in Honolulu, Hawaii, retorted that “I have a proven track record of accomplishment in the Senate which, if broadcast over several years, would put me right in line with such Democratic stalwarts as Ted Kennedy or Jack Murtha. I am the premier lawmaker in the Democratic caucus.”

Later in the day it was Clinton’s turn again, this time before an audience at the VFW rally in Scranton. “I have personally fought for freedom, not just by seeking out corrupt financers and making land deals with them, but by carrying a gun in a war zone to protect American families at 3 AM against the raging hordes of darkness.”

After he was woken from a doze, Obama said from a hammock on Waikiki Beach that “She wants to talk about war, while I want to talk about hope and change and how I healed the nation’s racial divides and personally put an end to the LA Watts Riots. I’m not just head of the Hoping for Better Change Alliance, I’m also a client.”

At a late-evening Campaign appearance at the Pittsburgh “Workers of the World Unite” convention, Clinton said that “I personally fought hard against NAFTA, because I believe we must tax the rich to implement Canadian-style health care reforms, not allow our factories to close so that effete Canadian men can bolster their waning libidos with cheap Viagra. I know my opponent believes in dealing crack on streetcorners to youngsters, but I am against that.”

Obama, speaking to reporters in after a grueling 45-minute Jetski rental and on his way to a snorkeling class, told reporters that “Not only am I the greatest legislator since Thomas Jefferson and the greatest orator since Dr. King, I have invented a perpetual motion machine that makes ugly people more attractive and eliminates funky odors from NASCAR-loving rednecks. Top that, Clinton!”

Clinton, guarding a Philadelphia-area nursery school at 3 AM, responded that “I have been such an important influence in so many lives that Sir Edmund Hilleary changed his name to ‘Hillary’ in my honor and a professional wrestler, Rowdy Rodham Piper, took my maiden name as his moniker to salute my achievements.”

Pecos Bill could not be reached for comment, but Al Gore did mention that he won a Nobel Prize and invented the Internet and would like to be considered by the Superdelegates as a potential alternative.

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