Hill Wars

I expect that when we finally get the fawning Hollywood biopic for Hillary Clinton in 2016, it’ll look something like this:

Episode I: The Phantom Candidate
“It is a desperate time in the Republic. The president has been derelict in his duty, and only one woman can save the Republic and the entire galaxy from disaster: Hillary Clinton. But during her rise to power a mysterious candidate with a sinister name has suddenly appeared with cult-like minions to deny her what is rightfully hers. Can Hillary and her Gynoceri Knights triumph over the forces of darkness arranged against her?”
Guest-starring Howard Dean as Jar-Jar Binks

Episode II: Return of the King
“Hillary’s supporters have gotten desperate as the paleo-liberals have become bolder and sided with the forces of darkness, led by turncoat Darth Kennedy. With Hillary and her allies battling desperately against the minions of darkness, there is one ally left to call upon: her absentee husband and former president, Bill the Marvelous. But will his finger-wagging and pants-dropping sink her candidacy, or give it the much-needed rise to overcome adversity?”
Guest-starring Harry Reid as Gollum

Episode III: A New Hope
“After a string of defeats the Gynoceri Knight are almost all but wiped out. But strange events are taking place throughout the galaxy. Suddenly a great general appears, Obi-Loren of SNL, and punctures the aura of mystery surrounding the Phantom Candidate. The Imperial Press notices his scandalous past. The Gynoceri find strange allies in Ohio and Texas and secure victory there. Can Hillary use this to move on to electoral success?”
Guest-starring Tony Rezko as Greedo

Episode IV: The Crone Wars
“A string of stunning losses has suddenly brought her to the brink of defeat. Despite losing his foreign-policy expert Darth Dumbass because of her incessant prattling, the lord of shadows has moved ever closer to taking the presidency. When two of her Gynoceri knights suddenly become crazy and bring disgrace on her campaign, can Hillary recover in time to save what is left of the galaxy?”
Guest-starring Geraldine Ferraro as tragically doomed Gynoceri Knight Blabbus Racis

Episode V: The Emperor Strips Back
“Many Canadian spies died to bring the plans which led to the destruction of the sinister NAFSTAR, which threatened to finally sink Hillary because of her husband’s support of it. But when her closest ally and sidekick turns traitor, proposing disastrous policy implications and fooling around with hooker droids, can Hillary distance herself fast enough from him before he destroys everything she’s worked so hard for?”
Guest-starring Eliot Spitzer as the traitorous Darth Stupidious

Episode VI: Triumph of the Gynoceri
“After a stinging defeat at the hands of the forces of darkness and a debacle in the halls of Denver, Hillary seems doomed to failure. But a last-minute offer from an unlikely ally puts her into the GOP campaign as vice president. Will a backroom deal for impeachment with her former senate cronies lead to her ultimate accession to the Presidency?”
Guest-starring John McCain as Chumpa the Hutt