The Betrayal Scale

Sometimes politicians let us down, like when they get caught trolling for anonymous homosexual sex or spending a month’s salary on high-priced hookers. But until now people really didn’t have a good way to quantify how big a breach of trust this really was. Was it a “that baby really looks like my best friend” moment or a more minor “I kissed your girlfriend while you were on a break” moment?

Thankfully, your Daily Dollop is here to answer these difficult questions in life with the Betrayal Scale. I’ve included helpful examples from the business world that impact your marital life as well as betrayals between friends.

[Note: we’re not going to piddle around with “I didn’t know he liked her” BS; this is real betrayal]

Level 0: Minor Flirtation
Business: You hired a secretary but you didn’t really need one.
Personal: You kissed his girlfriend while they were broken up, or you inappropriately dared his girlfriend to bare herself during a drunken party.
Payback: Buy him a beer and all is forgiven. After all, chasing your boy’s girl is a sign of respect, right?
Wife’s payback: No sex for a month.

Level 1: Circumstances are everything
Business: You hired a hot secretary.
Personal: You had sex with his girlfriend while they were broken up, or you made drunken propositions to his sober girlfriend.
Payback: He gets to punch you and all is forgiven. You’re not allowed to be alone with her for any circumstances short of a shipwreck, and even then you should consider the briny deep as a viable first option.
Wife’s payback: He sleeps on the couch.

Level 2: Danger zone!
Business: You took your hot secretary on a business trip to a tropical location but nothing happened.
Personal: You kissed his girlfriend while they were together, or you made sober propositions to his drunken girlfriend. .
Payback: He gets to punch you, but you can defend.
Wife’s payback: Hire a 20-year-old gardner who works shirtless.

Level 3: Toeing the line
Business: You’re making up reasons to work late and on the weekend to be with your hot secretary and complaining to her about your home life, but you’re not screwing her.
Personal: You had sex with his girlfriend while they were together regardless of anyone’s state of intoxication.
Payback: He gets to punch you in the nads, and you don’t get to defend, and you’re not invited to the wedding but you have to send them a nice gift.
Wife’s payback: Hire a 20-year-old poolboy who works in a thong, whether or not you have a pool.

Level 4: Crossing the line
Business: The only reason you’re porking your hot secretary is because she’ll do things to you that your wife won’t.
Personal: You kissed his wife, with or without groping.
Payback: He gets to hit you with an object, but you can defend yourself. You cannot, however, fight back.
Wife’s payback: Start doing things to the poolboy that you wouldn’t do to your husband.

Level 5: The line is a dot
Business: Your hot secretary is doing things to you that your wife would also do.
Personal: You kissed his daughter or posted naked pictures of his girlfriend on the Internet.
Payback: He gets to shoot you. You are allowed to run away.
Wife’s payback: Stop doing anything whatsoever to husband, have two-a-days with gardener and poolboy.

Level 6: Hitting a new low
Business: Instead of a hot secretary, you have an affair with an ugly secretary.
Personal: You had sex with his wife or posted naked pictures of him on the internet, with or without demeaning Vienna sausage references.
Payback: He gets to shoot you in the nads. You are allowed to run away. He does not, however, get to reload.
Wife’s payback: Divorce him, then have sex with his boss and get him fired.

Level 7: Rock bottom
Business: Instead of a hot secretary, you’re economizing by paying a seedy prostitute.
Personal: You had sex with his (adult) daughter.
Payback: He gets to shoot you in the nads and reload as much as he likes. You are not allowed to run away, but you may beg for mercy.
Wife’s payback: Divorce, complete with angry children and forfeiture of all his property and assets. If disease is involved, wife can shoot husband in the nads.

Level 8: Discovering New Shames
Business: Instead of a hot secretary, you’re paying a moderately-priced prostitute.
Personal: You got his wife pregnant and disavow all responsibility.
Payback: He gets to shoot you and her both. You may beg if you wish.
Wife’s payback: Divorce him, then have sex with his brother to start a family squabble.

Level 9: Tarred and Spitzered
Business: Instead of a hot secretary, you’re paying a high-priced escort.
Personal: You got his (adult) daughter pregnant.
Payback: He gets to murder you in cold blood and bury you in the basement. Anything less and society ceases to function.
Wife’s payback: Divorce him, then have sex with his dad to get him disowned.

Level 10: Fade to black
Business: Instead of a hot secretary, your prostitute is a transvestite.
Personal: You got both his wife and his (adult) daughter pregnant.
Payback: He should shoot himself and leave you to clean up that ungodly mess. Have fun on Jerry Springer!
Wife’s payback: License to do whatever you would like for the remainder of your natural lives together, like removing his testicles and having them picked to bring out at parties and social gatherings.