NOTE TO ALL STUDENTS: Starting from April 1, all gym and pool facilities at Harvard will abide by the following schedule from Monday to Friday:
6 AM to 7 AM: Traditional gym. In pool, swimming suits required. No fornication
7 AM to 8 AM: Heterosexual women only. Headscarves must be worn while swimming. Burqas must be worn in South Gym weightlifting room.
8 AM to 9 AM: Gay men only. Clothing required. No fornication.
9 AM to 10 AM: Lesbians only. Clothing optional. Hot girl-on-girl action allowed only in saunas.
10 AM to 11 AM: Heterosexual cross-dressing males only. Clothing required. No fornication. Masturbation is allowed only in designated areas.
11 AM to 12 AM: Classy nudist time: all participants in all facilities must be naked, no exceptions. No fornication.
12 AM to 1 PM: Professors’ hours. No students or conservatives allowed.
1 PM to 2 PM: Open to all. Nudity is by choice. Fornication in bathing areas only.
2 PM to 3 PM: She-males only. Clothing required. No fornication.
3 PM to 4 PM: Womyn only. Clothing optional. Only tasteful fornication.
4 PM to 5 PM: Left-handed vegans only. No meat, righties, or shaved armpits.
5 PM to 7 PM: Women only. No uncovered hair, ankles. Males not allowed within a hundred-yard radius of gyms during this time.
7 PM to 8 PM: Midget carnivore workout time. Pools will be drained to 3’ depth and filled with raw meat.
8 PM to 9 PM: Miscellaneous oppressed minority hour. If your minority isn’t represented on the list, petition to have it included one night a week.
9 PM to 10 PM: “Hot gym nights”: dress as your favorite “Rocky Horror” character to enter, fornication encouraged.
10 PM to 11 PM: Animal Farm! Everybody bring an animal to join in the fun and broaden horizons. Fornication in strange, taboo ways required.
11 PM to 12 AM: Traditional gym. In pool, swimming suits required. No fornication.
12 AM to 1 AM: Heterosexual males only. Tight-fitting spandex tights required. Fornication encouraged.
Please remember to wipe down all equipment after you are finished, including other gym users.