NFL Declares This ‘Throwback Weekend’

The NFL today announced that the television blackouts that have fans complaining are not the result of inane bickering over money, but are rather designed as a stirring league-wide “Throwback Weekend.”

The NFL network, holder of the rights to several games including Thursday’s marquee Dallas-Green Bay matchup, will make sure that fans across the country are denied top-quality football and punished by watching bizarre and poorly-chosen local matchups.

“We noticed that our top-selling item was retro jerseys, so we thought, ‘why not go with retro broadcasting?’ We’re going to have cameramen in polyester suits with butterfly collars, sets decked out in lime green and orange, and platform shoes everywhere. And with only two games on per weekend, and those matchups featuring really bad teams, think of all the free time you’ll have to develop other interests!”

Goodell said that it was part of a league-wide rebranding effort that they hoped would pay major dividends. “We’re currently in talks to go to an all pay-per-view format, or perhaps move all games to a subscription channel like HBO or SpiceTV. That way we can reproduce the success that boxing has had with this format. We’re even talking to the NBA on how to get corrupt referees, which will further enhance our brand.”

“The NFL is going to combine the access of boxing, the integrity of basketball, and the technological innovation of baseball to create a truly unique and unforgettable sporting experience. At least, it will be for a handful of fans.”