Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Forward to History

Now, mere hours before the debates begin, I am pleased to announce that I have managed to get ahold of the CNN/YouTube script for the upcoming debate. As a service to you, my loyal reader, I print the questions that you can expect to see tonight when the Republican candidates get together to answer questions from actual morons who can use the Internet:

"I have a hypothetical question for John McCain: if you knew that I was going to eat this baby at midnight, would you approve waterboarding Ernie if that was the only way to figure out where on Sesame Street I was hiding? If not, why not? Don't you like babies?"

"This questions is for Ron Paul. Why are you bothering to stand on stage with such inferior candidates? Hello! You should be touring in your blimp, allowing others to revel in your presence, as we continue to make sure that all online polls have you as the winner. Comparing the other candidates to you is like comparing Aquaman to Superman: worst teamup ever!"

"I'm an undecided voter, and I'm still not sure which candidate I will support in the general election. Can you tell me why, if I care about this country, I should vote for a Republican who wants to line the pockets of fat cat businessmen, destroy our health care, revoke our right to choose, listen to our private conversations, criminalize our bedroom activities, and install a theocratic dictatorship over us? Aren't I better off voting for an enlightened progressive, like one of the Democrats?"

"Hi, I'm Peter King, and it's a good thing that my lower body isn't showing, because I was just reviewing some Packers game film and, well, I just couldn't control myself. I really love Brett Favre. Why doesn't he run for president? I'm sure his long bombs will be more effective than Bush's!"

"Aren't you worried about following such a divisive president like George Bush? I got royally screwed by following Rudolph. After he saves Christmas and delivers presents and finds home for misfit toys, the only plot left over was getting dicked around by Siegfried and Roy's ex-boyfriend."

"I'm just a normal American, and I want to know how, as president, you're going to reform our ties to Latin America. For example, by allowing Hugo Chavez to have our seat on the UN Security Council, or by normalizing relations with Cuba. It's high time we put away the arrogant rhetoric and started to support our more-enlightened neighbors down under in South America."

"I would like to know where you stand on decriminalizing marijuana, particularly medicinal marijuana, particularly for sports-related injuries. Dude, I have got the munchies so bad right now, you wouldn't believe it. Also, I want to say that anybody near Tampa who found two big garbage bags of lawn clippings, please give me a call."

"I've only just begun exploring these ideas, but to me, I think they're worth looking into. Last time you pooped, how many squares did you use when you wiped?"