EU Anti-Monster Parties Criticize Progress

Several leading EU anti-monster parties criticized local governments’ progress on monster abatement schemes, saying that they provided “political cover for governments dedicated to doing nothing” and represented no real protection against the threat of Giant Monster Attack (GMA).

Hans Uberschrotter, leader of the German anti-GMA party Stoppen Zie Monsterenn, said that almost every EU nation would fall short of its obligations under the 1996 Kong Pact. “We are very disappointed that EU governments seem to be putting other priorities like education and health care ahead of something which can, in the blink of an eye, end civilization as we know it. The only member nation on target to meet their obligation is Finland, where their Flying Reindeer Defense System provides them with at least an early warning system against GMA.”

Some EU Parliament members were outraged at the lack of progress on Kong Pact targets. Genevive Fornicaria, of the EU anti-GMA party Gettem!, said that “The only trial system in development uses ten-foot orangutans. That’s impressive for an orangutan, but it’s really not even a snack for one of these hundred-foot-tall behemoths that we’re expecting to wake up any day now. Abatement offsets don’t work, either, no matter how many giant fire-breathing pandas China says they have in development. For any abatement system to work, it must have accountability and giant silverback gorillas.”

Some analysts said that the lack of US support for the Kong Pact has doomed its success among European nations, and that President Bush’s position on GMA has set back progress on novel systems for monster control and abatement. They hoped that in 2008 a new president would be able to take a more realistic approach to the issue.

Rusty Fitzsimmons, economic analyst for FisherWaterhousePriceCoopers, said that the economic outlook for Europe is not good. “In 2008 companies will begin paying their Monster Offsets, and at the present time a lot of the impacted industries are going to see a 10 to 15% rise in costs that will be difficult to pass along to consumers. The most heavily hit industries will be construction, prostitution, and rental clowns, because studies show that these are likely industries to generate GMA. So we’re seeing stagnant economic growth for the next 10 years as companies work out the trading schemes and try to recover from this additional cost.”

US former presidential candidate and presumed late entry into the 2008 race John K. Mondale, in the UK to pick up a Booker Prize for the novelization of his film, An Uninvited Guest, said that he hoped the EU member nations could do a better job of meeting their targets. “America has always looked to Europe to be a leader in issues of morals and ethics, and this is no different. As Europe goes, so goes the West, and I look forward to the day when hundreds of giant gorillas guard Europe against a tide of radioactive monsters and serve as an inspiration for countries around the world, including the United States.”

Mondale refused to answer questions about whether or not he would enter the presidential race, saying only that “My current role as a promoter of anti-GMA is far more valuable than a simple political office. It’s my quest to educate and enlighten people about this menace to society.”