Thursday, November 15, 2007

Spitzer Prepares for 2012 Democratic Nomination

New York Governor Eliot Spitzer, seeking to get ahead of potential adversaries for the 2012 Democratic Presidential nomination, has begun reversing himself on policies at breakneck speed the past few days. After initiating, then supporting, then abandoning his plan for granting drivers’ licenses to illegal immigrants, Spitzer has now proposed and reversed on an internet tax on and other online retailers.

Highly-placed aides to Spitzer indicate that in the coming weeks he will propose-and-reverse on a plethora of issues that are dear to voters, including:

  • Increasing school funding by requiring cheerleaders in high school to participate in lingerie calendar photo shoots with proceeds going to the local school boards. He will defend the proposal by saying that “it’s no different than a bake sale, and since cheerleaders are slutty and will be prancing around in lingerie anyways, if you don’t like the idea you’re a prude.” He will reverse on this issue in a few hours, declaring “never mind” and saying the whole thing was just a joke anyways.

  • Withdrawing the New York national guard from all units participating in Iraq, on the grounds that they are New Yorkers first and members of the armed services second. Spitzer will crumble on this issue almost immediately, declaring that he “supports the troops” and is only thinking of their welfare. Spitzer will call opponents to the plan “short-sighted, narrow-minded isolationists.”

  • Requiring all bloggers to get the “New York seal of approval” and Content Rating to be exhibited in computers in New York. Spitzer will announce this during a state visit to China, which he will say has inspired him to take a “closer control of the vitriol that spills into the minds of impressionable youngsters.” He will not see a first amendment issue with this, but the staggering cost of implementation will dampen his enthusiasm for the plan. He will propose a 400-dollar-per-pack cigarette tax, but when it fails he will eventually say that “the wild west mentality of the Internet wins again.”

  • Mandating the use of “Xmas” in place of “Christmas” in order to prevent offending non-Christians during the holiday season. Spitzer will initially defend the proposal by calling opponents “bigoted religionists” but soon back down, saying that “popular culture should decide public nomenclature.”

  • Requiring all New Yorkers to wear nametags to make the state friendlier. The initial proposal will be for state-issued IDs usable in place of typical ID in every situation, followed by reducing it to monogrammed clothing, then simple sticker-type nametags like you find at an AA meeting, and final admission that the current standard of New York greeting (the middle finger) is more natural for citizenry anyways.

  • Free public housing for illegal immigrants, on the grounds that “we don’t want them roaming the streets.” Public outcry over this will prompt Spitzer to call New Yorkers “uneducated anti-immigrant hicks” but he will eventually declare the program dead because “the voters don’t understand what’s really good for them.”

  • Invading Canada and seizing the “good part of Niagara Falls.” While this will gain popular support, Spitzer will quickly abandon it because he doesn’t have enough troops to conquer Canada because they’re all tied up in Iraq. It is possible that a commando strike by 55 motivated seniors may conquer Canada anyways, though, thus giving him plausible deniability and the good part of Niagara Falls.

  • Using state police and investigators to harass, intimidate, and silence political opponents. Technically this is an ongoing process that he has yet to reverse on, so the aide said that he may continue this for several more years “in order to emulate Hillary Clinton.”