Monday, November 12, 2007

Hurricane Simmons Upgraded to ‘Insufferable’

Hurricane Bill Simmons, which has plagued ESPN Page 2 for several years, was upgraded last week to ‘Insufferable’, meaning that reading his columns can now be expected to cause headaches, nausea, and an intense feeling of disbelief. It had previously been at ‘Arrogantly Hubristic’ for almost two years.

The storm, which upon outset was ‘Funny’, has been growing steadily worse over the years as Simmons built up gale-force winds from a toxic mix of boosterism, hypocrisy, and bitchiness. It reached its previous maximum in October 2004. The prior worst storm was Hurricane Yankee, which raged unabated from 1996 until 2000, after which it has gradually subsided to a ‘Favorable Wind.’

The latest surge was touched off by rumors of a darkly ineffective conspiracy which caused the Patriots to play a close game which they ended up winning. Generally believers in conspiracies are of lower mental ability and poor logical capacity, which describes the last two years of the Simmons Experience quite well.

Forecasters had hoped that Hurricane Simmons would soon either blow itself out or, preferably, that the root causes of the storm could be mitigated, perhaps with an undefeated Patriots regular season followed by a second-round playoff loss, but warn that this might also cause Hurricane Simmons to increase further to ‘Irrationally Antagonistic’ and begin lashing out at everything in sight.

Late last year some mitigating impact on the Hurricane was observed thanks to La Sports Gal, which proved to have more comedic force and football knowledge than Hurricane Simmons. The La Sports Gal effect has been curtailed this year by El Niño, with disastrous results for ESPN.Com Page 2.

A hoped-for reversal in the Arrogance Potential of Hurricane Simmons following the disastrous (and brief) Kimmel Depression in 2004 did not materialize, and the only real impact of that was the sudden addition of worthless LA detritus in Hurricane Simmons and the boring Kimmel Windstorm that accompanied Simmons for a brief period of time.

Officials recommend staying away from any area affected by Simmons whatsoever, most particularly, until an ‘All Clear’ is sounded.