In the primaries, no one can hear you scream...

If the Democratic Primary is The Wizard of Oz, then the Republicans are living out their own version of the movie Alien.

The Alien is a symbol of whatever cause pops into Bush’s head to divide his own party: immigration, profligate spending, the Iraq war, health care, social security, etc. As it rampages, the candidates attempt to either kill it or avoid it, all the while hoping that they haven’t been infected and suddenly have it hatch from their chest and destroy their political dreams.

Rudy Giuliani is Ripley. A kick-ass resume, reputation for aggressiveness, and a take-charge, no-nonsense attitude mean that he’s the guy to hunt down and exterminate the problems that haunt the Republican Party. But he’s always perilously close to extreme danger, and you worry that at any moment he’ll get his head bit off and you’ll discover that he’s human. Plus, there’s a risk that a sequel will just be worse than the original, not better.

Mitt Romney is Parker (played by Yaphet Kotto). He knows the exact layout of the ship, has an excellent idea of where he’s headed, and comes up with new and intriguing ideas on how to take out the monsters that bedevil the crew. But will any of that matter in the end, or will he still end up getting disemboweled?

Fred Thompson is Captain Dallas. He ought to be in charge; seems like he’s the natural choice. Everybody wants him to be in charge and has great sympathy for him. But even though he’s the top actor in the group, it just doesn’t happen. He’ll end up getting taken from behind in a ventilator shaft, and that’ll be the last we ever hear from him.

John McCain is Kane. He’s dead already, only he doesn’t know it yet. His support for illegal alien amnesty will come exploding out of his chest the moment primary votes start getting cast, and then BOOM! we’ll be cleaning his guts up off the kitchen table and there’ll be no more question of him being the Republican nominee.

Ron Paul is Ash. I don’t care what anybody says, that guy can’t be for real.

The rest of them are Lambert and Brett. They’re gonna get picked off one by one, and you’ve known that all along.

At the end there will be just one person left with his flame-rifle hoping to jettison the aliens into space and get a moment’s rest before heading out to a whole new challenge to face an endless supply of monsters conjured from a hostile planet of newspapers and television reporters.