US Defends Withdrawal from Kong Pact

The Bush administration is under increasing pressure throughout the international community to re-examine its intransigence on the Kong Pact, the 1996 International Agreement signed by then-President Clinton that aimed to protect the world from a giant monster outbreak by finding and deploying monster-fighting giant gorillas.

“The scientific consensus is clear that giant radioactive monsters are a continued threat to the health and well-being of the entire world,” said former presidential candidate John K. Mondale, who recently won a Grammy for the book-on-tape version of his book, Monster Assault on Earth in the Balance. “Conventional weapons are useless against them. Without a giant gorilla defense system, we’re inviting an international catastrophe of the highest order to destroy civilization as we know it. Under my administration, a Kong Defense System would not be something that we’d pursue between oil wars; it would be the centerpiece of a new, more enlightened age.”

A spokesman for the European Union, Whiny duFrancois, said that “Bush’s refusal to act for the good of the planet has poisoned US-European relations, and the American public’s denial of this threat in the face of all evidence just further proves that their theocratic neocon nonsense has made them weak in the brains.”

Junior White House spokesman Jeffrey Hobelang defended the Bush Administration’s cancelling of the 1996 Kong Pact, which was signed by President Clinton. “We still believe that withdrawing from the Kong Pact was the right thing to do. Without the participation of jungle countries such as Central Antarctica and the Monster Islands, the search for a giant gorilla was not going to move forward in a productive manner. Until those countries are agreed to assist in the search for biological monster prevention mechanisms, the United States prefers to work on a voluntary monster-abatement scheme within each country.”

Surveys in Europe indicated that giant-monster attack was their #1 global concern, with soft cheese quality and early retirement rounding out the top three. By contrast, Americans put GMA at #64 on their list of concerns, just below toenail fungus and just above toilet piranhas.

Sociologist Kimberley Richards, of the Upper New York Harvard-Tech Zigfield Freud Research Center, said that this difference in attitudes explained the chilling US-European relations and had led to significant breakdowns in international cooperation. “Bush doesn’t realize that he can’t go around poking monsters with a stick if he wants respect in the rest of the world. Europe is putting up 400-foot barbed wire fences, like the one in Spanish Gibralter, and having “Monster-Free Sundays”, while here in the states we’re just crossing our fingers and hoping that there’s no upcoming attack. It’s just this huge disconnect, and we need to do better about helping educate Americans of the growing monster threat.”