John Kerry has vowed to disprove the Swiftboat Veterans for Truth claims once and for all, thus proving his fitness for presidency without a doubt. Once he has accomplished this daunting task, the investigative whirlwind will spring into action and solve several other crimes that have plagued the American conciousness for almost a century.
Kerry indicated that he will turn his uniqe crime solving-style, which he described as "a mix of Columbo and Batman" onto such diverse topics as:
Finding the REAL killers. While he expects some impediments from memorabilia fanatics, Kerry is confident that within five to ten years he can turn up some solid leads that could, perhaps, finally unlock the case that ripped the nation apart. He will begin his search for evidence in Cambodia, where he has many contacts, and continue on until it's solved.
The Marilyn Monroe suicide. Does anybody really still believe that Monroe committed suicide or simply overdosed? She was of course killed by the FBI, CIA, or some other secretive government organization (the same ones that brag to the press like drunken frat boys), using the ever-popular Untraceable Poison Enema (UPE). Why? Because she knew the inside story of the Kennedy assassination and was having an affair with Bobby Kennedy, that's why.
Finding the Lindbergh Baby. Although the cranky old man pictured here claims to be the Lindbergh baby, it seems unlikely. Most experts suspect that the baby, aged 75 now, is either Warren Buffet or, more likely, Harry Reid, because he cries all the time.
Solving the mystery of Jack the Ripper. Kerry has already indicated that his suspicions center on two sinister Republican figures with access to a time machine: Dick Cheney and Karl Rove. "Rove's got motive and opportunity, because he likes to cut the hearts out of things," Kerry said. "At least, his smear job cut the heart out of my campaign." Kerry said this was probably his #1 job after he'd totally discredited the Swiftboat Veterans.
The dastardly villain behind New Coke, which Kerry said "shook American consumer confidence for two decades and ultimately destroyed our economy beyond repair, which we're seeing today." He said that he intended to head a blue ribbon panel investigating the twenty-year recession kicked off by the product, which has shown no signs of abating "other than a seven-year upswing during the last Democratic Administration."