Monday, November 19, 2007

Investigator Claims Former VP’s GMA Risk is ‘Massive’

A Massachusetts newspaper alleged in its online edition Sunday that former Vice President John K. Mondale, an ardent advocate of Giant Monster Attack (GMA) prevention, has a GMA Handprint "that Godzilla would envy."

The paper, the Boston County Daily Tattler, published an exposé alleging that Mondale’s sixteen-room mansion in the rural suburb of Boston had “extensive sugar plantations swarming with bees, frogs, and ants exposed to experimental insecticides, dangerous and radioactive runoff from a Molybdenum mine, and a two-acre pool that looks like a monstrous birdbath designed to attract anything from turtle-like giant monster such as Gamera to the far more dangerous birdlike creatures such as Rodan.”

The report also charged that Mondale’s publicly-traded company, Simian Investment Management, engaged in “unverifiable practices of Monkey Offsets and GMA sequestration which cannot be independently validated, leaving the system open to rampant fraud and corruption.”

Carl Woodstein, author of the article, said in an accompanying on-line editorial that “John K. Mondale has engaged in rampant fraud and hypocrisy directly designed to inflate his own personal wealth while impoverishing developing countries around the globe. His ‘do as I say and not as I do’ attitude represents everything that is wrong with the intersection of politics and science today.”

Mondale refuted the allegations Sunday afternoon from the Caldecott Awards banquet, where the pop-up book version of his movie An Uninvited Guest won the Caldecott Medal for “Best Children’s Educational Picture Book.”

In a statement before the banquet, he said that “These allegations are totally baseless and a product of the right-wing slime machine that seeks to distort the debate by focusing on minor issues instead of discussing the very real and present danger that Giant Monsters pose to the future of civilization. They and their cronies in big business simply can’t admit that the science is very clear: the risk of GMA is the greatest threat to the world today.”

He went on to say that “The fact is that all the activities of my house and fabulous industrial empire are ameliorated by Monkey Offsets purchased through SIM, which has a wide variety of new and exciting developments in GMA prevention and amelioration. If you want to talk about hypocrisy, go ask George Bush why he feels like it’s okay to steal an election and start a war for oil, yet refuses to ratify a treaty to place giant silverback monkeys around the United States to protect us from having our civilization turned into a post-apocalyptic nightmare by giant radioactive creatures.”

On their website, which was shut down on Monday because of high traffic, the London-based company SIM detailed several unique initiatives that were under development to protect the world from GMA. In particular they highlighted a forty-foot genetic crossbreed between a poison arrow frog and a porcupine that shot poisoned quills up to two miles and a program where native civilizations in South America and the Pacific Islands increased devotional offerings at their shrines to friendly giant spirit monsters, such as King Caesar or Mothra, that could be used as “Earth Protection Systems” should a destructive menace appear.

Some scientists concurred that Mondale’s company might be increasing the risk of GMA instead of decreasing it. Herb Ventrolux, of the GMA Alarm Clock project in Zurich, Switzerland, said that “Most credible scientists agree that the greatest risk of GMA doesn’t come from these exotic Gigantovores like Godzilla or the Astroinvertebrates like Megalon, but rather from reintroduction of extinct giant monsters like Tyrannosaurus Rex or the vicious Velociraptors, which were smart enough to drive a car and program an iPod at the same time. Mondale’s program of cross-breeding monsters to fight monsters may end up with disastrous results.”

Ventrolux went on to say that the GMA Clock would stay at 11:55, where it’s been set since George Bush withdrew the US from the Kong Pact, but that he hoped to be able to set it backwards in the near future when international relations with the Central Antarctic Republic were normalized following the country’s return to stability after ten years of deadly civil war.

Woodstein stood by his article on Monday when reached for comment. “That article is 100% factual. I don’t know why Mondale feels it’s necessary to breed giant poisonous hedgehogs or bathe normal insects in radioactive sludge, I just know that’s what he apparently does with his free time from when he’s done telling us that we’re all doomed to die of a giant monster attack. He seems to ignore the colony of four-foot centaur bees buzzing around his house because so far they haven’t carried off any slaves to work in their pollen mines.”

He added, “I’ll believe it’s a crisis when the people who say it’s a crisis start acting like it’s a crisis.”