Boy George acted swiftly to comply with recent comments made by Iran's Mohsen Yahyavi to British MPs, finding and chaining up a suspected homosexual in his basement. George said he was moved by Yahyavi's "strong words and comely face" to begin searching for homosexuals inside Britain to be punished according to shari'a law.
"He thought England was under Shari'a law now," George's spokesman told the press. "Why else would we be building that huge mosque in preparation for the Olympics? What else could explain our utter incompetence in Iraq's southern provinces? We're muslim now, right?"
George, who allegedly kept the male escort chained to the wall of his London apartment, said that he "worked his ass over several times, to no avail" and was hoping to "beat a confession out of him with a big ol' truncheon."
The escort later said it "wasn't really that big, and sagged in all the wrong places, if you know what I mean."
London authorities are still looking into the matter, although one source close to the investigation did say that "we haven't seen this level of depravity since the last time we arrested George Michael."