Saturday, November 17, 2007

Astronomer: Monster Zero Arriving for Christmas

British astrophysicist Corbyn Piers today warned that the recent expansion of Comet Holmes' coma indicates that the final phase of Monster Zero's arrival on Earth. Dr. Piers, speaking from his laboratory in London, said that he'd been expecting something like this from Holmes for some time.

"Since it hails from the Gamma Quadrant of the Milky Way, we always knew there was a chance it contained hostile giant monsters," he said in a telephone interview Friday. "But it wasn't until the coma fanned out, allowing the sinister inhabitants of Planet X, the Xiians, to send forward Monster Zero's stasis chamber, that I knew we were in serious danger. Monster Zero will be here shortly, and his three-headed lightning attack will be nigh-unstoppable. I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but unless Mothra can bring both Godzilla and Rodan into battle against this terrible threat, we are certainly doomed."

Other scientists were more skeptical of the findings. "So some giant comet has a giant coma," said W.R. "Tex" Redmond of the New Hampshire Astronomical Society. "That's hardly means there's a three-headed lightning creature streaking through space towards us. Personally, I'm a lot more concerned about the tail of the comet turning everyone who's not protected by six inches of lead into a mindless zombie, feasting on the flesh of the living in a post-apocalyptic nightmare. I'm advising all my friends and neighbors to sleep in the basement and keep a shotgun handy."

The IPGM issued a statement on the comet earlier this week, saying that it "was due to the rapidly accelerating risk of GMA that currently threatens Earth as we know it, and which is now well past the point of alleviation." They recommended immediate confiscatory taxes be placed on any and all businesses which raise the chance of GMA, such as lawn care, grave-digging, or mail-order bride marketing.

Dr. Piers said that Monster Zero would probably arrive on Christmas day, "blasting down Earth's chimney like Santa in a slasher movie." He predicted the utter collapse of civilization, the futility of armed resistance, and the ultimate destruction of the planet after the sinister Xiians have harvested Earth's resources.
"I certainly hope Godzilla is waking up under Lake Yellowstone," said Piers. "God knows we need him."