Wednesday, November 14, 2007

IPMA Report Warns of ‘Imminent Threat of Attack’

The Intergovernmental Panel on Monster Attacks (IPMA) today released the summary of its upcoming report, Current Status of Global Preparations for Giant Monster Attacks. The panel issued its sternest warning yet that “Every day brings us closer to the moment when hundred-foot-tall radioactive monsters roam the countryside, bringing destruction everywhere they pass.”

At a news conference in New York, IPMA spokesman said that “Far from being Hollywood special effects or ancient fantasies, the threat of GMA is growing exponentially every day. We are beginning to see the surface signs of what will soon blossom into a full-blown Giant Monster Epidemic: unexplained geological disturbances, disruption of shipping and communication, and authorities in denial about the nature of the risks at hand.”

The report mapped several “Hot Spots” where the risk of GMA is suspected to be much higher than normal, including:

  • Three Gorges Dam in China, where subsidence, landslides, and strange noises have plagued villagers in the region of the dam. The IPMA notes that the monster responsible for this is currently unknown, although suggestions have ranged from a giant mole to a creature called Angkurus, a sinister-looking drill-headed cross between an aardvark and an ankylosaurus.

  • Yellowstone National Park, where a Level 5 monster is suspected to be sleeping beneath Yellowstone Lake and causing water heating and a gradual rise in the caldera. Some scientists have suggested that this is the final resting place of Godzilla, missing since the 1972 California Kong Battle that ultimately claimed tens of thousands of lives and caused over 50 billion dollars in damage.

  • Flooding in the Thames River inlet of London, possibly due to giant piranhas swimming off the coast of England or a two-kilometer-long Kraken with fanged tentacles. Earlier this year a giant squid was filmed for the first time, which may have angered the denizens of the briny deep into retaliation.

  • The collapse of New Hampshire’s famous ‘Old Man of the Mountain’ in 2003, possibly caused by a colony of atomically-mutated giant ants which seek to displace humans as the highest link on the food chain. This scenario was detailed in a documentary by Joan Collins called Empire of the Ants.
Possible presidential candidate John K. Mondale, who was in New York to accept an Emmy for the televised version of his film An Inconvenient Guest, said that the threat of GMA was so great that governments couldn’t afford to ignore it any longer. “When one of these monsters wakes up, we’re talking about millions of people affected, hundreds of square miles of land uninhabitable, and giant mountains of radioactive monster doo. We need to act today to channel funding and expertise where it is most needed, before a swarm of giant locusts carry off all the people living in an isolated Midwest town.”

The IPMA had several suggestions for reducing the threat of GMA, most notably the installation of a Global Kong Defense System (GKDS). Janet Summers-Murphy-Brown, head of the European Union KDS Research Project in Brussels and a member of the steering committee for the IPMA, said that progress has been slow in most nations because of a perceived lack of support from the US.

“The European Union has for years been studying a system whereby giant monkeys will be stationed in geographically at-risk regions for their immediate deployment should a giant monster suddenly attack. Unfortunately, without the cooperation of giant-monkey-producing nations, such as Interior Antarctica and Monster Island, we cannot fully implement this plan. And pressuring these nations is difficult, because the United States has withdrawn from the 1996 Kong Pact,” Dr. Summers-Murphy-Brown said at the news conference.

The IPMA warned that after the first GMA it will be too late to act. “We cannot hope that the problem will go away or that future generations will not suffer from GMA. When the first monster appears, it will be too late to take any substantive government action, and our only hope will be that a group of plucky, good-looking teenagers, possibly led by a crotchety expert who has been blackballed by the scientific mainstream, can stem the tide of destruction before it is too late.”