Tuesday, November 20, 2007

We're off to win the White House!

Have you noticed that the Democratic Primary is just like The Wizard of Oz?

Cue the opening song: Oh, they’re off to win the White House, the wonderful house of the prez!

Check out the similarities: it's really quite amazing!

The Democrats are symbolized by Dorothy, searching for a way to get back to their home (the White House, in this case).

Hillary Clinton is the Tin Man: if she only had a heart, she’d be set. Since she doesn’t, though, so she just looks kind of menacing with her big shiny armor and battleaxe. Also, poll after poll shows that lots of people have violent allergic reactions to her.

John Edwards is the Scarecrow: if only he had a brain, he’d be the presumptive nominee. He also started hanging around Dorothy first, as Edwards has been running since he left the Senate in 2005. It still hasn’t helped, though, since he thinks that the square of the hypotenuse of an equilateral triangle is the squares of the remaining two sides.

Barack Obama is the Cowardly Lion: all he lacks is some courage. Every Democrat (and not a few independents) are itching to give him the nomination if he shows any reason whatsoever to get it. But he’s so scared of offending Clinton that he ends up looking weak.

The other Democrats running are the munchkins. They make a lot of noise, but count for little.

George Bush is the Wicked Witch of the East, who caused no end of problems in the past but will be gone by the time the journey actually starts, so really counts for very little in the story.

Bill Clinton is the Wizard of Oz. A little bit creepy, a little bit strange, and a lot of a blowhard, Clinton has at least been to the White House and so can talk sensibly about it. But please don’t take too good a look at the man behind the curtain, or you may be repulsed at what you find.

Markos Moulistas is the Wicked Witch of the West. Cackling and rubbing his hands with glee, Kos demands to be taken seriously and threatens woe and ill to all who oppose him. But every time push comes to shove, the first drop of water puts out his fire and you realize that he’s just a glorified flying monkey handler.

I guess that would make the Kossacks flying monkeys, which seems appropriate since they screech a lot and fling poo.

How will the journey end for the Dorothy Democrats as they try to find their way to the White House? Only time will tell. If they stand around berating the Wicked Witch of the East’s feet instead of going down the yellow brick road, expect them to end up with a house falling on their own heads.