Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Just Add Musical Guest

I’m sure that you’re all starved for those late-night monologue jokes that spew forth from Jay, Dave, and the rest. So here are a few of them just to get you through the day, as a free service from your Daily Dollop.

Just add drum shots, eyebrow waggles, bad accent, and incredibly large chins as necessary to make these work:

‘The new Batman movie filming in Hong Kong had to cancel shooting the other day because the harbor was too polluted for Christian Bale to jump into. They were afraid that he was gonna get sick. See, the night before Britney Spears had been skinny dipping there, and they didn’t know might still be crawling around in the water.”

“A lot of talk over the weekend about Katie Holmes running in the New York marathon, then appearing hours later in high heels with Tom Cruise. It was really amazing. Did you see the picture of the two of them? I’ll tell you what's impressive: I didn’t realize any woman alive could wear high heels and not tower over Cruise. But what's even more impressive is that after running for 5 hours in the marathon she didn't fall asleep in Lions for Lambs. That's better than anybody else who's seen it could do.”

“Have you seen pictures of this little girl in India who was born with 8 limbs? Doctors say that she’s got a conjoined twin attached to her, and they’re doing operations now to separate the two in hopes that she can live a normal life. Some people are angry about that, because they think she’s a reincarnation of the Hindu goddess Kali. Security around the hospital is really tight, not because of the angry Hindus, but because they’re afraid that Madonna is going to try to come adopt her.”

“Anybody going to go see the new movie Beowulf, or did you get enough of that in High School English class? What if I told you that Angelina Jolie will appear naked in it, covered only with gold paint? It’s just a computer-animated version of her, but apparently they ‘body-mapped’ her and used that to generate a lifelike animation of her. I should have been a cartographer. Anyways, Jolie said she was pretty shy about appearing naked in the movie, since she doesn’t have much experience with nude scenes. I mean, other than her appearances in Foxfire, Pushing Tin, Gia, and Original Sin. Other than that she’s practically a virgin. Evidently, she’s much more comfortable French-kissing her brother in public and wearing vials of blood than having a computer replica of herself appear naked on screen. I can understand that”

“Good news for ‘Dog’ the bounty hunter: he isn’t going to be extradited to Mexico for kidnapping charges after all. But now the bad news: his show got cancelled after his son sold a tape to the Enquirer where Dog used a racial slur to describe the son’s girlfriend. Should be a great holiday season in the Dog house, huh?”

“Bizarre incident a couple of days ago involve Shia LeBeouf, who is costarring with Harrison Ford in the new Indiana Jones movie. He was arrested for trespassing after refusing to leave a drug store. It’s another sad story where a child actor has gotten hooked on drugs by the adult performers on set. Apparently, he was sneaking some of Ford’s Geritol, and now that shooting is over he has been patrolling Walgreens looking for his fix of Selenium.”

“Some happy celebrity news, as Christina Aguilera finally confirmed that she’s pregnant. I’ll give her two pieces of advice: don’t ask Britney Spears for child-raising tips, and don’t ask Milla Jovovich about possible baby names. Ever.”

“Big news from MSNBC, where Rosie O’Donnell is in negotiations to appear on her own talk show. Apparently they don’t lose enough money on Keith Olbermann, so they want to bring in a less eloquent, stupider, female version of him to lose money in another time slot also.”

“Today’s election day in a few states, and two really interesting races are in Mississippi and Kentucky. In Mississippi the two guys are quoting scripture at each other trying to prove they’re more biblical than the other guy. Apparently they’ve confused Mississippi for Iran. In Kentucky, the governor has posted the ten commandments in the state Capitol the day before the election in a bid to overcome a corruption scandal. It’s a little weird, though, because instead of ‘Thou shalt not steal’ it says ‘Thou shalt not vote Democrat.’ I don’t remember that one from Sunday school, though.”

Up next, we’ve got an interview with an empty-headed star pimping their latest terrible movie. Stay tuned!