Monday, November 5, 2007

The Strike is Over!!

I am pleased to announce, in my capacity as Union Representative for Local 21413, that the long national nightmare is over and the strike has come to a close. No, not the Hollywood Writers’ strike. We’ll hope that one continues long into 2008. I’m speaking of our 11-day strike against the Blogging Powers-That-Be. I am pleased to announce that we’ve reached an agreement on all major points and member blogging can once again begin.

Rest assured that those of you who are dues-paying members who continued to blog will long be remembered as traitorous scabs. Burn in hell. But for the rest of you, here are your benefits:

Blog overlord Glen Reynolds of Instapundit has granted all union members free and unfettered use of his catchphrase, “Heh”, without any repercussions whatsoever. The tariff on “Indeed” will remain 0.05% of ad revenue per usage, or 1.5 cents, whichever is larger.

Kingmaker Markos Moulistas of Daily Kos has agreed that any blogger may use his trademark smugness without any need for results or achievements, just as he does. He still refuses to share his irrational, semi-rabid commenters, but we’re hopeful he will widen his stance during the next negotiation.

The overeducated windbags at Powerline have agreed to provide pig Latin translations of the fancy phrases they use to make themselves sound eruditely pretentious, like habeus corpus (erewhay is the odybay) and non sequiter (atinlay is for oserslay).

Rosie O’Donnell has agreed to continue to overvalue herself in the TV market, thus ensuring a steady stream of incoherent rambling on her blog. Since it gets fewer hits than a dead horse, though, it’s unlikely to impact us.

Google has agreed to nothing and threatened to have me killed and my corpse defiled by their cannibal necrophiliac hobo lawyers. Since they made this threat before negotiations commenced, I agreed to their offer (0% for eternity) posthaste, for my own safety. If any union members would like to replace me on the Google negotiation team, please contact your next-of-kin.

Finally, the MSM has agreed to continue to fear and revile every blogger, yet do nothing to upgrade the quality of their own product, thus ensuring our steady growth into the future.

You may thank me by sending detailed instructions on how to install a PayPal button, or spamming all your friends and neighbors with my blog address. Remember that I’m sacrificing myself for the betterment of everyone.

Head of Local #21413