Monday, November 26, 2007

NFL Gashouse Gorillas

You know what this year’s NFL season reminds me of? That Bugs Bunny cartoon where the Gashouse Gorillas are beating up on the Teetotalers 56-0, and Bugs jeers them until they force him to play against them all alone.

In the role of the Gashouse Gorillas, I give you: the New England Patriots. Despite their scare against the Eagles and the Colts, they’ve pretty much pummeled everybody else. And if anybody can fill out the role of the cheating, cigar-spewing, booze-swilling, abusive leader of the Gashouse Gorillas, it’s Bill Bellicheck.

The NFL version of the Teetotalers this year are the Jets, Dolphins, Bengals, Ravens, Texans, Broncos, Chiefs, Raiders, Eagles, Redskins, Vikings, Bears, Saints, Panthers, Falcons, Cardinals, 49ers, and Rams. Can you remember a season where after 11 games there were 18 putrid teams so easily identified? No, me neither.

But who’s going to be Bugs Bunny and come up with the big win against the Gashouse Patriots? Here’s my take (each team’s “Bugs Quotient” is the likelihood that, should the Patriots lose, they’ll be the team that beats them).

Cleveland: You’re kidding, right? The Browns are the NFL version of Road Runner: without serious violations in the laws of physics, they’re going to get chewed up and spit out. And I really don’t think that Physics will be taking a holiday any time soon.
Bugs Quotient: 5%

Dallas: If Dallas and New England have a rematch in the Super Bowl, for many fans it would be like watching the Road Runner battle Speedy Gonzales: you’d be desperate for both of them to be destroyed, but know that your hope would ultimately go unfulfilled.
Bugs Quotient: 55%

Detroit: Th-th-th-they’re season’s pr-pr-pr-pr-prob’ly over beca-beca-beca…aw, forget it. They suck.
Bugs Quotient: 2%

Green Bay: Probably the best chance of beating the Patriots, given that Favre would have mojo and storyline on his side. But I would recommend sedating Peter King during the Super Bowl to make sure he doesn’t run out on the field with 0:03 left and start dry-humping Brett Favre’s leg, thus potentially costing Green Bay the game.
Bugs Quotient: 65%

Indianapolis: Sufferin’ succotash! With all the injuries they’ve sustained the last few weeks, I think they’re more aptly used in a ‘Karate Kid’ reference. And the day I start making facile ‘Karate Kid’ references is the day I become Bill Simmons. Which not coincidentally is the day I’ll start looking for a nice, quiet place to hang myself.
Bugs Quotient: 30%

Jacksonville: Shh! Be vewy, vewy quiet: they’re hunting mediocwity. What are the odds that they could play the 60 consecutive minutes of flawless football necessary to beat a force of nature like the Patriots?
Bugs Quotient: 10%

New York Giants: If Big Sylvester can’t come through against the giant kangaroo that has somehow been mistaken for a mouse, how can you possibly expect Little Sylvester to succeed?
Bugs Quotient: 5%

Pittsburgh: They are the last, best hope of beating the Patriots before the playoffs, in what will surely be a titanic showdown in Week 14. But the Steelers just feel more like a Daffy Duck team than a Bugs Bunny team: loud, obnoxious, and ultimately ineffective.
Bugs Quotient: 45%

Roger Gooddell: Technically he's not a team, but he does make a special guest appearance as the craven umpire who lets the Gashouse Gorillas swing for the fences using a freaking telephone pole. One minute he's swaggering around like Buford Pusser, the next he's cowering like Rosco P. Coltrane. Which is it, Commissioner Big Dumb Dickhead?
Bugs Quotient: -100%

San Diego: Ah, the Yosemite Sams of the NFL. Why’s that, you ask? Because this guy habitually underperforms: he’s carrying a gun and is a self-described “baddest man in the West”, yet can’t kill one stinking rabbit?
Bugs Quotient: 0.0025%

Seattle: These guys are the Wile E. Coyotes of football: if they can figure out a way to lose the game, they’re jolly well going to do it, whether you want them to or not. And they went out of their way years ago to alienate the referees, so they’re all set in that department, as well.
Bugs Quotient: 15%

Tennessee: In order for Tennessee to get a shot at New England, they’ll have to make the playoffs. That won’t happen, so it’s just as likely that Mickey Mouse would step in to help Bugs Bunny.
Bugs Quotient: 1%

Tampa Bay: Being the best team in the NFC south is like being Tweety Bird, Looney Tunes’ most popular character after Bugs, Daffy, Elmer, and Porky Pig: everybody who knows you exist hates you.
Bugs Quotient: 3%